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Age and time have a funny relationship: Sure, they both move in the same direction, but the older we get, the more inverse that relationship can feel. And as work and family commitments take up a drastically outsize portion of that time, it’s the treasured friendships in our life that often fade.
A recent study found that the maximum number of social connections for both men and women occurs around the age of 25. But as young adults settle into careers and prioritize romantic relationships, those social circles rapidly shrink and friendships tend to take a back seat.
The impact of that loss can be both social and physiological, as research shows that bonds of friendship are critical to maintaining both physical and emotional health. Not only do strong social ties boost the immune system and increase longevity, but they also decrease the risk of contracting certain chronic illnesses and increase the ability to deal with chronic pain, according to a 2010 report in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
“In terms of mortality, loneliness is a killer,” said Andrea Bonior, the author of “The Friendship Fix.”
We don’t have to go out and spend every minute of every day with a rotating cast of friends, Dr. Bonior said. Rather, “It’s about feeling like you are supported in the ways that you want to be supported,” she added, and believing that the connections you do have are nourishing and strong.
An estimated 42.6 million Americans over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness, which significantly raises their risk for premature death, according to a study by AARP. One researcher called the loneliness epidemic a greater health threat than obesity.
Most people aren’t aware that friendships are so beneficial: “They think of it as a luxury rather than the fact that it can actually add years to their life,” Dr. Bonior said.
The good news is that keeping cherished friendships afloat doesn’t need to be a huge time commitment. There are several things you can do to keep a bond strong even when your to-do list is a mile long.
Communicate expectations
Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and friendship researcher, suggests being clear about your limits when you’re feeling frenzied.
“If there are certain days or weeks where you are going to be less available, giving your friend a heads up can go a long way toward minimizing misunderstandings or conflicts where somebody feels left out or like they’re being ignored,” she said.
Tell your friends how long you expect to be off the radar, how to communicate with you best during this time (“I’m drowning in emails; texts are better!”), and when your schedule is expected to go back to normal.
Nix ‘I’m too busy’ …
You might be booked from dusk until dawn, but without giving your friend context, that phrase “I’m too busy” can feel like a blowoff.
“When we hear somebody say, ‘I’m too busy,’ we don’t actually know if that is true for just their lives at this time, or if that’s their way of not really valuing us or wanting to spend time with us,” said Shasta Nelson, the author of “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness.”
“Therefore, the friendship often just dies, not from lack of anything wrong or anybody even necessarily wanting it to die, but just simply chaotic lives and a lot of distance gets put in there,” she said.
Instead of offering vague, blanket statements about your bustling schedule, qualify your busyness: “I’m busy for the rest of the month,” or “I’m tied up until the end of the year.” Then make a counter offer. If you can’t meet face-to-face anytime soon, suggest a phone date, Skype session, or other way to connect so your friend doesn’t feel abandoned.
… Then examine your busyness
If you find yourself telling longtime pals you’re too snowed under to connect, it’s time to look at how you truly spend your time.
“If you can find the time to binge-watch TV shows and check Facebook a million times a day,” said Carlin Flora, the author of “Friendfluence: The Surprising Way Friends Make Us Who We Are,” “you can make time for your friends.”
Dr. Bonior agrees: “When you feel like you can’t squeeze in a book club or brunch or happy hour, pedicures or whatever it is, maybe assess a little bit more. Like, ‘O.K., well, how am I spending my time, and might there be a window in some of that time that actually allows for a real phone call or a walk around the block at lunch with one of my co-workers that I really like or whatever it might be?”
The author Laura Vanderkam credits tracking her time for helping her banish her “I’m too busy” mind-set. In making detailed notes on how she allotted her energy for a year, she found that “the stories I told myself about where my time went weren’t always true.” She suggests using an Excel spreadsheet with half-hour increments to track the day and using the Toggl app, for starters.
Once a clearer picture emerges of how one chooses to spend their time, it becomes possible to make positive, thoughtful changes.
Personal, small gestures are the way to go
Tailored, thoughtful text messages are a low-effort way to keep up connections when you’re short on time. The key is to share little bits of information about your day that your friend couldn’t glean from your Instagram feed or Snapchat story.
Ms. Kirmayer suggests making messages as personal as possible to show somebody you’re thinking about them.
“So remembering obviously big life events — things like birthdays are a given — but also maybe smaller things like: They had a doctor’s appointment coming up or you know they were going to have a stressful day at work and kind of checking in to see how it went,” she said. “Even a quick text message can go a long way.”
Ask questions that invite reveals (“How was your vacation? How’s your new job going?”) and avoid statements (“I hope you’re having a great day!” or “You’re in my thoughts”), which don’t tend to prompt meaningful back-and-forth exchanges.
Cultivate routines
Having a regular hang with your closest confidants can take the guesswork out of scheduling quality time.
“It might sound like you’re not aiming very high if you’re only going to see certain friends once a year, but if you have an annual barbecue or Memorial Day party or something, where it’s kind of a guarantee you’ll see certain friends,” Ms. Flora said, “that’s actually much better than kind of leaving it up to two people haggling over schedules.”
Another idea is multitask to combine your errands with some valuable BFF facetime. Ask a friend to come to your favorite spin class, join your book club or accompany you to a volunteer gig.
“The more things you can do together, potentially the more often you’ll be able to see each other,” Ms. Kirmayer said. “These repeated interactions are so important for keeping a friendship going.”
Come through when it counts
Another way to cement longstanding friendships when things are hectic is to go out of your way to attend any milestone events — fly in for the baby shower, attend the 40th birthday party, make an appearance at the retirement party. Just show up. There aren’t too many chances to make an impact in someone’s life, but if you move mountains and carve out time for your friend’s event, it’ll sustain a friendship for a long time.
