我经常被问到的问题之一是怎样选择合适的人作为伴侣。
试图找到完美伴侣，是在期待不可能之事。婚姻中之所以充满争吵，是因为人们在这段关系中要分享很多东西。
问题既不在于婚姻，也不在于男人或女人、丈夫或妻子——在任何被迫需要和他人分享很多东西的情况下，人们都面临类似问题。
在婚姻或同居生活中，人们总是需要共享同一空间等，所以每天在这事那事上总会有“互相踩脚（磕磕碰碰）”。在其他关系中，如果某个人越界了，你可以拉开一段距离；但在婚姻关系中，你没有选择。重合地方越多，摩擦可能性就越大。
有很多伴侣美妙地生活在一起，彼此深爱，他们是对方极好的伴侣。但与此同时，这段关系也可能有面目狰狞的时刻。一般来说，总有一面是外人永远不知道的门后“家丑”。
如果有人在街上踩了我们的脚，因为大家都在看着，我们的反应会不同。但在婚姻关系中，没有外人在看，所以任何事情都可能发生。
婚姻成功的关键不在于找到完美对象——地球上本也没有完美的人。所以我们需要的是全然的诚实——不管有没有人看，都应该一样；不管在哪里、与什么人在一起，我们的为人都不应该改变。
一旦我们树立好自己存在的方式，和他人的互动就可以充满快乐；另一方面，如果彼此之间想要索取，那只要其中一人没得到自己想要的，矛盾就会一直发生。
作为一个独立的人，我们需要仔细考虑 “需要有一个人在身边” 是一时兴趣还是强烈需求。并不是每个人必须要有个伴侣，也不是每个人必须要保持单身。
这是每个人都需要自己考量的事情。我们只应该在一种情况下结婚：内心有一种没有伴侣就不能活的强烈需求，而且认为婚姻是通向幸福的基石。
结婚本身没有任何错。但是如果并没有这种需求却也去结婚，那就是一种罪行，因为这样会给自己，以及至少另外一个人带来痛苦。
如果人类面临灭绝危险，我会建议大家都去结婚，但是现在人口数量爆炸，如果不制造下一代，那倒是给人道事业帮了大忙。暂且不谈这个，重要的事情是：并不是每个人都需要结婚。
当人们问佛陀，“我应该有一个伴侣吗？” 佛陀说：“与愚人同步，不如独自前行。”
我没有这么冷酷。我想说，如果找到一个和自己差不多的“愚人”，那么有些事情还是可以一起处理的。但这得来源于你的真正需求，而不是因为社会的声音，不是因为别人都结婚了，也不是因为你害怕孓然一人。
对于伴侣，我们有什么期翼？它不应该是：“如果我迷失了，让另一个人陪我一起迷失吧。” 伴侣关系或者婚姻并不会解决关于“存在”的问题，它只解决一些需求。如果有强烈的身体、情感和心理需求，那么就应该寻找一个伴侣，但不应该仅仅为了社会和经济原因而结婚。
另一点需要记住的是，结婚是因为需要支持。这种支持可以是身体上的、情感上的、心理上的、社会上的，或者经济上的。但无论什么原因，不应该出于同情而和别人结婚。
结婚是因为确实需要某些东西。如果另一个人愿意为你提供这些，那么带着感激而活，自然也不会有那么多摩擦。
不要寻找理想的男人或理想的女人，没有这样的人。如果明白是出于自身需求而要寻找一个伴侣，就找一个能和自己比较合拍的人。
如果你接受、尊敬、爱、包容、关心，而且彼此负责，那就可以达成一段美妙关系。
爱与恩典
萨古鲁
附原文：
One of the questions that I am asked frequently is how to choose the right person for companionship and marriage. Trying to find the perfect partner is expecting the impossible. One reason why marriage can be tumultuous is because you have toshare so many things in this relationship. The issue is neither marriage, noris it about a man and a woman, husband and wife. In any situation where you areforced to share a lot with other people, you will face similar problems.
In a marriage or cohabitation, you usually have to share the same space, the same everything.Consequently, every day, you are treading on each other’s toes in one way or the other. In other relationships, if someone is overstepping the boundaries,you can create a distance. Here, you do not have a choice. The greater theoverlap, the greater the possibility of friction.
There are many coupleswho are living beautifully together, who are profoundly in love, and who arefantastic companions to each other. At the same time, this relationship canassume the ugliest forms. One contributing factor is that generally, no onegets to know the ugly things that are happening behind closed doors. If someoneon the street steps on your feet, you will react in a different way, becauseeveryone is watching. But in this relationship, no one is watching, so anythingcan happen.What is needed to make a marriage successful is not the perfectperson – there is no perfect person on the planet. What you need is absoluteintegrity. Whether someone is watching or not, you should act in the same way.Who you are should not change depending upon where and with whom you are. Onceyou have established your way of being, interacting with another person can bea joy. Another aspect is that if you try to extract something out of eachother, and you or the other person does not get what he or she wants, therewill be constant conflict.
You as an individualhave to evaluate if this is just a passing interest, or if there is a strongneed to have someone by your side. Not everyone has to get hitched, nor doeseveryone have to live alone. This is something that individuals have to look atfor themselves. You should only get married if there is such a strong need inyou that without a companion, you cannot live, and you believe marriage will bea stepping stone for your wellbeing. There is nothing wrong with gettingmarried. But if you get married without you having the need to do so, then it isa crime, because you will cause misery to yourself and at least one otherperson. We would advise everyone to get married if the human race was in dangerof disappearing, but the human population is exploding. If you do notreproduce, you do humanity a great service. Leaving that aside, the importantthing is this – not everyone needs to get married.
When someone askedGautama the Buddha, “Should I have a companion?” he said, “It’s better to walkalone than to walk with a fool.” I am not that cruel. I am saying: if you finda similar fool, then something can be worked out. But based on your need – notbecause of what society is saying, not because others are getting married, notbecause you worry about being alone.
What is your intentionfor your companion? It should not be something like, “If I’m getting lost, letme have another person who gets lost with me.” Companionship or marriage doesnot solve existential problems. It just takes care of some of your needs. Ifyou have strong physical, emotional, or psychological needs, then you shouldlook for a companion. You should not get married for social and financialreasons alone.
Another point to rememberis that you get married because you need support. This support may be physical,emotional, psychological, social, or financial – whatever it may be, you do notget married out of charity for the other person. You get married because youneed certain things. If the other person is willing to provide them to you, andyou live in gratitude, then there will not be too much friction.
Do not look for theideal man or the ideal woman – there is none. If you understand that it is your needs that make you seek a companion, find someone who is reasonably compatiblewith you. If you accept, respect, love, include, care for, and take responsibility for each other, it can be a beautiful relationship.
Love&Grace,
Sadhguru
