真正的性别平等，不仅仅是鼓励女孩子变得更强，而是认同男孩子也可以喜欢粉色和芭比，可以对萌萌的小东西犯花痴，可以伤心哭泣。这个坚硬的世界需要更多可爱的男孩子。
男人哭吧哭吧不是罪，尝尝阔别已久眼泪的滋味
作者：
FAITH SALIE
译者：朱小钊
校对：杨婧娴
导读&笔记：王旻彦
策划： 朱小钊
How to Raise a Sweet Son in an Era of Angry Men
怒汉时代，如何培养出一个小暖男
本文选自
TIME
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Hours after I gave birth to my first child, my husband
cradle
d all five pounds of our boy and said, gently, “Hi, Sweetpea.” Not “Buddy” or “Little Man.” Sweetpea. The word filled me with unanticipated comfort. Like most parents, we knew what we’d name our son but never discussed how we’d speak to him. I was witnessing my husband’s commitment to raising a sweet boy.
在我生下第一个孩子的几个小时后，我的丈夫
搂着
我们五磅重的孩子，轻轻地说：“嗨，小宝贝儿。”不是“哥们”或“小家伙”。小宝贝儿，这个称呼让我感到出乎意料的舒服。和大多数父母一样，我们知道给儿子取什么名字，却从来没有讨论过如何和他沟通。我看出，丈夫决心培养出一个小暖男。
Because this is what the world needs now, urgently: sweet boys and people who grow them.
因为此时此刻，这个世界非常需要温柔的男孩以及能教出这样男孩的父母。
There are so many angry men among us. There are angry women, too, but they’re only beginning to claim this emotion that has long been denied them. Women’s public anger delivers deliberate messages—it’s pussy hats, reclaiming our time, and #MeToo. It’s the kind of anger that gives girls voices. Men’s anger tries to shut down the voices of others. Today’s angriest women galvanize; today’s angriest men murder.
世界上有很多愤怒的男性，愤怒的女性也不少。愤怒一直都不是用来形容女性的，但最近，女性也开始变得如此。女性公开发怒，是深思熟虑的结果，如宣告女性是时候站出来的粉丝猫帽（Time’s up运动）和“我也是”运动。愤怒让女性发声，而男性发怒只是为了压制他人的观点。如今，怒不可遏的女性会拍案而起，男性却杀气腾腾。
译注：川普上任前期，许多人戴上了提前编制好的粉红色“粉色猫帽（Pussy Hats）”，以“猫咪不好惹”的姿态反击川普所代表的随意侵犯的文化。
A man uses his car to assassinate an anti-Nazi protestor. A man shoots a congressman at his baseball practice. A man commits mass murder at a Vegas concert. A man massacres worshippers in their church. A police officer slaughters his own family. The headlines blur, but they invariably seem to feature men whom the media informs us felt lonely or powerless. And a significant number of American men who actually possess power — but are not murderously angry — are pridefully aggressive. The President tweets furiously, with violently bad syntax,
spastic
punctuation and
apoplectic
capitalization, venially attacking not only swaths of people but individual citizens of the country he has vowed to protect and defend.
一名男子驾车撞死一位反纳粹人士；一名男子在国会议员打棒球时朝他射击；一名男子犯下了拉斯维加斯音乐节大型枪击案；一名男子杀害了教堂里的信徒；一位男性警官杀害了他的家人。尽管新闻没有明确指出，但所描述的这些男子似乎都性格孤僻或是社会底层人士。在美国，还有许多位高权重的男性，他们虽然不是杀气重重，但也相当咄咄逼人。特朗普经常在推特上发飙，他不仅犯了句法错误，还
乱用
标点，
随意
大写。不论是某些群体，还是他声称保护和捍卫的人民都成了他怒斥的对象。
译注：《纽约时报》称，特朗普是一个深陷惶恐的男人。一个硬汉是不需要证明自
己的。 他总让军事将领们跟着自己，并且执迷于有威权的领导人，这意味着什么？6到10岁的男孩“因为自己的软弱，所以会迷恋超人和所有那些有力量的人物。”也许某些71岁的亿万富翁也是一样。”
《新京报》称，研究和分析表明：
-
大男子主义者因无法轻松的谈论自己的情感而更多感到孤独，因此十分依赖从女性那里得到温情和亲密。有
“女性化”气质的男性和大部分女性则不会出现这样的问题。
-
不做家务的男士虽然自己舒服，其妻子的愉悦程度则大打折扣。婚姻专家对当代夫妻的告诫则是：男人多做家务、照料小孩、维系爱情，这样才能拥有幸福快乐的妻子，婚姻也更美满。
-
大男子主义的男子更倾向于把女性的友善行为解读为表示性兴趣的信号，从而误解女性，做出性骚扰行为，他们将性行为看成一场逐猎行动，因此更可能做出性胁迫的行为。由于他们更难将女性作为平等的人来对待，因此更有可能实施家庭暴力，而男女平等文化里暴力就不太可能发生。
-
给予女性带薪产假而不给予男性，会让企业更倾向于招聘男性，这既损害了女性获得平等的工作机会的权利，也减少了男性与家人建立亲密情感的机会。
spastic
/'spæstɪk/ adj. an offensive way of saying 'stupid' （俚）笨，拙劣
apoplectic
/,æpə'plektɪk/ adj. full of rage; red in the face (from anger) 狂怒的，激昂的
The world has turned so upside down that the most public displays of masculine vulnerability have come lately from late-night comedy host Jimmy Kimmel, who’s shed tears talking about children’s healthcare and gun control. It feels like another century when President Obama wept while remembering the victims of Sandy Hook — a Brigadoon of political empathy not to return during the current administration.
这个世界已经变得不同寻常，近期，要说男性中有谁愿意公开展示自己的脆弱，恐怕只有深夜脱口秀的主持人吉米·坎摩尔了，他在谈及儿童的医保问题和枪支管控问题时，声泪俱下。这让我们似乎又回到了奥巴马在回忆桑迪·胡克受害者时潸然泪下的时刻，这等政客的良心在特朗普政府上是看不到了。
译注：从来不正经的Jimmy Kimmel这次在鸡毛秀哭了。节目中他谈及他刚刚在三天前出生的儿子，因为患有先天性心脏病，出生不久就接受了心脏手术，但幸运的是手术成功了。他在节目上说，医院里面有一些家庭，在艰难地面对能否筹够钱救孩子的问题，他看到是感到很心痛，有病就得治疗，但并不是所有人都像他一样这么幸运，资金充裕并且有着技术先进的医疗团队，接着他提到了特朗普最近对其前任奥巴马任内最重要的“形象工程”(“奥巴马医改”计划)出手的这件事。他在节目中讲到，如果废除了“奥巴马医改”计划，那儿童就是受影响最大的群体。
My son is now 5, and I’m also the mother of a 3-year-old girl. I’m thrilled that my daughter is growing up in a time where American girls are encouraged to be both fierce and kind, simultaneously strong and compassionate. The t-shirts that declare “Girls Rule the World” offer an empirical falsehood, but at least the aspiration is there. My daughter recently delighted me when she deemed her
makeshift
“kite” — a rainbow scarf tied to a stick — a fencing foil and ran about the woods
parry
ing and proclaiming, “En garde!” But I delighted even more in my son when, at a birthday party where the balloon artist presumptuously twisted pneumatic swords for all the boys, my boy asked for a balloon heart.
我的儿子现在5岁了，同时我还有一个3岁的女儿。如今的美国社会鼓励女生做一个善良而不懦弱，坚强却又富有同情心的人，对于她能生活在这样一个时代，我深感欣慰。虽然事实证明，T恤上印的“女孩掌控世界”并不可行，但至少它激励了很多女性。最近，让我很高兴的是，我的女儿把她的
临时
风筝当成了一支花剑，并在树林间练习
躲闪
、高呼“预备”，而这只“风筝”仅仅是一根系着彩虹围巾的木棒。不过，更让我开心的是，在一场生日聚会上，当气球艺术家自作主张给所有男孩捏了宝剑形状的气球时，我的儿子主动要求一个心型气球。
译注：《纽约时报》称，在过去的50年里，美国重新定义了身为女性的意义。今天的女孩们可以做任何事，成为任何人。她们已经充分接纳了这样的观念：在学校里，她们在各个方面的表现都超过男生。而且数十年来，人们一直在探讨关于女性气质的复杂性和多样的形式与表达，女孩们是这些讨论最大的受益者。而
男人们则感到孤立、困惑和矛盾。
makeshift
/ˈmeɪk.ʃɪft/ adj. temporary and of low quality, but used because of a sudden need 权宜的，临时代用的
Boys have always known they could do anything; all they had to do was look around at their presidents, religious leaders, professional athletes, at the statues that stand erect in big cities and small. Girls have always known they were allowed to feel anything — except anger. Now girls, led by women, are being told they can own righteous anger. Now they can feel what they want and be what they want.
男孩们一直都知道他们无所不能，他们只需要向总统、宗教领袖、专业运动员甚至是大城市和小城镇的雕像人物看齐。女孩们可以拥有所有情绪，但不能发怒。但现在，成年女性教导女孩们可以表达愤慨。现在她们可以感受一切，做真正的自己了。
There’s no
commensurate
lesson for boys in our culture. While girls are encouraged to be not just ballerinas, but astronauts and coders, boys—who already know they can walk on the moon and dominate Silicon Valley—don’t receive explicit encouragement to fully access their emotions. Boys are still snips and snails and puppy dog tails. We leave them behind from birth. Walk into any baby store, and you’re greeted immediately in the boys’ department by brown and neon green
layette
s festooned with sharks, trucks, and footballs. Onesies for newborns declare, “TOUGH LIKE DADDY.” The boy taught from infancy to be tough is emotionally doomed. (Mind you, I’m all for a onesie for any gender that announces, “RESILIENT LIKE MOMMY.”)
但是在这一课上，我们的文化缺失对男孩
相应的
教育。女孩们不仅可以成为芭蕾舞蹈家，还可以成为宇航员和编程员，而男孩们尽管知道自己有能力成为宇航员或是硅谷的领军人物，但没有人会明确鼓励他们去充分了解自己的情绪。男孩们就像便宜货、蜗牛或是小狗，在出生后我们就放养他们。一走进婴儿用品店，在男婴专区你就会看到棕色或是迷彩的
全套婴儿用品
，还配备鲨鱼玩具、小汽车和足球。男婴连体衣上赫然写着：“像你的爸爸一样坚强”。男孩们注定要从婴儿时期起就接受硬汉教育。（不过，如果有婴儿连体衣上写着：“像妈妈一样坚韧”，我一定会买的。）
译注：2016年12月7日，小学男生性别教材《小小男子汉》的新书发布会在上海静安区闸北第三中心小学举行，这本书被誉为全国首本男生性别教材。有人认为，这本教材对性生理方面的知识有所涉及，对儿童的成长大有裨益，但也有人表示，该教材背后透露出大男子主义的倾向，使性别教育陷入男权刻板印象。
The clothes marketed to my daughter feature unicorns, rainbows, rockets, dinosaurs, and sequins in every color imaginable. They are whimsical and sparkly. My son recently asked me, “Mom, why are girls’ clothes more interesting and beautiful than boys’ clothes, and was the person who decided that a man or a woman?”
而女生的衣服上画有独角兽、彩虹、火箭和恐龙还镶有各色小亮片，这些衣服的款式独特而且引人注目。最近，我儿子问我：“妈妈，为什么女孩的衣服比男孩的衣服款式更多也更好看呢？而且决定女孩衣服更好看的是男人还是女人呢？”
I didn’t have a good answer.
我一时语塞。
Yes, they’re merely clothes, but they’re the material in which we wrap our children. A society bombarding boys with symbolism about being tough,
self-contained
, non-sparkly and unmagical says, “Boys will be boys, but girls can be anything.”
是的，这些只是普通的衣服，但是要穿在我们孩子身上的。这个社会给男孩贴上了坚强、
自制
、安稳、规矩的标签，并宣称：“男孩要有男孩样，女孩想怎样就怎样。”
译注：心理学家William Pollack说过，男孩一开始是很敏感的，但通过“羞耻-强化过程”，即被教育不能哭泣，要做真正的男人，于是他们慢慢学会了隐藏自己的真实感受。但是，如果他们不知道或者不理解自己的感受，又怎么能学会去关心他人呢？
Our boys absorb messages about what they cannot be or do or feel.
男孩们也顺理成章接受了自己不能成为的模样，不能做的事和不该拥有的情绪。
The message comes from the man in the lobby of our building who says to my son, upon seeing him joyfully pushing his play baby stroller, “What are you doing? That’s supposed to be your sister’s!” The message: Caregiving is for girls, not boys. It’s served by the waitress who presents my kids with pictures to color — a dinosaur for my son and a butterfly for my daughter — before the kids wordlessly switch pictures. Message: big/scary is for boys; fragile/beautiful is for girls. It’s delivered by the dad in the elevator whom I watch
chastise
his 4-year-old son with, “Stop crying! Do you want your friends to think you’re a little baby?” Despite your lack of executive function, shut down your feelings, because kids make fun of a boy who cries. It’s emailed from the mother in my daughter’s nursery school class organizing a book swap, asking for “gender-neutral books” because some 3-year-old boys “wouldn’t be crazy about princess books.” All books aren’t for everyone; boys don’t like stories that might involve an XX protagonist. The message is loud and clear from the couple who ask my son to switch trucks at an amusement park, because they don’t want to take a photo of their 2-year-old boy in a
magenta
truck. Boys are blue. (No matter that, until the mid-20th century, the color conventionally associated with baby boys was, in fact, pink—signaling the muted vitality of red—while girls were clad in the placid blue of the Virgin Mary’s robes.)
在公寓大堂，有一个男子看见我的儿子兴高采烈地推着婴儿车，他便问道：“你在做什么？这应该是你妹妹坐的！”他这句话暗示了：只有女孩需要看护，男孩完全不需要。这种观念同样存在于商店女服务员身上，她给我儿子用来上色的是恐龙图片，女儿则是蝴蝶图片，其实后来俩孩子默默地互换了图片。有一次在电梯里，我看到一个父亲
大声呵斥
他四岁的儿子：“别哭了！你想让你的朋友认为你还是一个小屁孩吗！”他的话似乎在说：男生要强大威武，女生则负责娇柔美丽。即使你控制不住自己的情绪，也得强忍，因为别的小孩会笑话爱哭的男孩。我女儿所在护理学校的班级举办了一次图书交换活动，要求要 “男女生都能看的书”，理由是三岁的男孩对公主系列的书不会感兴趣。每个人喜欢的书都不尽相同，男孩们尤其不喜欢有主角的故事书。印象最深的一次发生在游乐场，一对夫妇让我的儿子换一辆车玩，因为他们不想拍到他们两岁的儿子坐在一辆
红色的
车里。蓝色应该是男孩的颜色。（但无论如何，直到20世纪中叶，男孩的象征色却是粉红色，红色象征着柔和的生命力，而女孩们的衣服通常是温和的蓝色，就像圣母玛利亚袍子的颜色。）
译注：
-
CNN的一篇文章《The complicated gender history of pink》中说道：“在18世纪的上层阶级中，无论男孩、女孩都会穿着粉色或蓝色的制服。” “事实上，当时粉色甚至被认为是男性的颜色。”粉色的母色是红色，而红色象征着热情、积极和攻击性，是属于男性的一种颜色。即使是粉色，依然是一种与男孩有关的颜色。”色彩研究专家艾斯曼说。《婴儿》杂志上曾发表过一篇名为《粉色还是蓝色》的文章，其中指出，在几个世纪前，社会普遍接受的规则是粉色适用男孩，而蓝色适用女孩。受红色的影响，粉色比蓝色更能体现决断力，更适用于男孩。几个世纪前的画作上，无
论的男孩女孩，还是成年男女，都有不少身着蓝色和粉色服饰的。这让我们开始发现，原来人们对粉色的性别认知并不是既成不变的。”
-
在《美国的男子气概》一书中，迈克尔·基梅尔称，“男孩认为传统的人文科学课程女性化”。这一点在英语课堂上表现得最明显。在我过去执教20多年里，当其他人对文学或创造性写作任务表现出极大的兴趣时，男孩们则不然。通常，非虚构阅读和写作还过得去，但虚构文学，尤其是诗歌，特别让男生害怕。为什么？因为它们是表露情感，暴露所谓女性的“软弱”的语言。
chastise
/tʃæ'staɪz/ v. criticize harshly 严厉地谴责，责备
We don’t need to raise kids with gender neutrality or deny intrinsic differences between boys and girls. We do need to recognize that children, regardless of gender, harbor innate sweetness that we, as a society, would do well to foster and preserve.
我们并不是要培养中性的孩子，或是否认男女之间天生的差异。我们只是需要了解，不论男孩女孩，他们天生都拥有温暖的品质，这是我们为人父母以及整个社会都应该努力去培养和维护的。
Sweet boys grow up to be men who recognize the strength in being vulnerable and empathetic. Men who aren’t threatened by criticism or perceived competition from people whom they deem “Other” — be it skin color or sexual orientation or religion or education or whatever. Sweet boys are children who’ve been given, by their parents and wider society, the permission to feel everything and to express those emotions without shame.
小暖男在长大成人后会认识到，袒露自己的脆弱并具有共情能力是一件好事。他们不会遭人指摘，也不会因为他人在肤色、性取向、宗教、教育水平等方面不同而将他们视为竞争对手。父母和整个社会要给小暖男们营造能够恣意感受一切，而无需对表露情感而感到羞愧的环境。
译注：
父母总是借口“男子汉教育”是为了帮助儿子在野蛮无情的竞争中赢在起跑线上，他们有意无意的把孩子天生的同理心硬生生改成后天习得的沉默坚韧，并使他们和朋友间保持更大的情感距离，以为这样能让孩子更接近成功。他们认为，越早帮他们适应这个远非乌托邦的世界，他们将来就会过得越好。父母和女孩说话会带有更多的情绪词汇，更着重解释而不是命令，更多让女儿小心危险而忽视男孩儿的安全。从小便开始塑造小男孩儿沉默寡言，羞于表达情感的行为模式。但是哈佛大学心理学家苏珊·戴维则持相反的观点：“研究表明，抑制情绪的人适应能力和情绪健康都比较差。”
At a young age, this should be done explicitly, in organized forums for discussions at school. It must be done relentlessly and organically, in our family homes. Parents must invite their sons to be sad, afraid, hurt, silly and affectionate, and must embrace them as often as they
snuggle
their daughters. Sweet boys learn early on that they can defend themselves against loneliness by reaching out and asking for support rather than turning into people who, literally, grab for power. Sweet boys evolve into open-hearted men who aren’t confused about consent and sexual boundaries, because they experience women as equals. A man raised with access to the same gamut of emotions and choices as women does not say, “Women are special,” as Donald Trump recently averred after disbelieving Roy Moore’s accusers; he does not delegate sugar and spice and humility and gentleness to the ladies, while defining himself through anger, lust, and pride. Boys will not be merely boys. If we let them, boys will be human.
在男孩年纪小的时候，就应该有意这样教育他们。学校应该组织讨论这类话题的论坛；而家庭教育则应该循序渐进、有条不紊。父母要允许自己的儿子感到伤心和害怕，受伤，犯傻，也要让他富有爱心。父母要像经常
依偎
在女儿身边一样拥抱儿子。小暖男们会早早学会在孤独的时候要懂得与人交流并获得帮助，而不是转而追逐权力。他们会成长为心胸宽广的男人，不会斤斤计较，对男女关系很有分寸，因为他们一直以来都是平等对待女性。如果一个男人从小都和女人一样情感丰富且握有选择权，那么他不会像唐纳德·特朗普一样否认罗伊·摩尔的性骚扰指控，还说出 “女人爱搞特殊”这样的言论。他也不会认为柴米油盐是女人分内的事情，女人就应该谦卑、温婉；而男人就要懂得愤怒、野心勃勃并充满自信。男孩们不再被贴上性别标签，我们应该要让他们做一个普通人可以做的事。
译注：《纽约时报》称，大量研究表明，权力会腐蚀心灵。强者会失去共情的能力。他们更可能做出不适当的行为。掌握权力的男人也会过高估计自己在女人眼中的魅力。对于男孩
，应该教导他们：一个优秀的男人在面对伤害和拒绝时，绝不会出口伤人，做一个男人不意味着可以支配他人和随心所欲。《男子气概悖
论》的作者杰克逊·卡茨认为应该教男孩子门如何用语言表述感情，从而“通晓亲密关系和情感”。
snuggle
/'snʌgl/ v. to lie or press close together; cuddle 依偎，搂抱
Nearly a century ago, the poet Louis Untermeyer painted a powerful portrait of the “large and quiet kindness” of his father with:
一个世纪前，诗人路易思·昂特梅耶画了一幅他父亲“伟岸且慈祥”的肖像画，并写道：
Your sweetness was your strength, your strength a sweetness
温暖是你的武器
That drew all men, and made reluctant hands
你让所有人，即便是那些犹疑的人
Rest long upon your shoulder.
也愿意托付于你
Firm, but never proud…
你坚定，但并不骄傲
It was, like victory rising from defeat,
犹如凤凰涅槃
The world made well again and strong—and sweet.
这个世界，会变得更好、更强大、更温暖
If we’re lucky, the sweet boys and the fierce girls will grow up to save us all.
如果足够幸运，这些温暖的男孩和有个性的女孩会将我们拯救
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另外送给大家电影《请以你的名字呼唤我》中父亲对儿子说的一段发人深省的话
"Fear not. It will come. And when you least expect it. Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember: I am here. Right now you may not want to feel anything. Perhaps you never wished to feel anything. And perhaps it's not with me that you'll want to speak about these things. But feel something you did."
别害怕。事情总会来的。在你最猝不及防之时,上天总是能找到我们最脆弱的地方。你只要记住，我在这里。现在你可能不想去感受什么。或许你从来不希望去感受什么。或许，你不愿意向我倾吐这些事情，但是请你要去感受你所感受的。
"You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don't snuff it out, don't be brutal with it. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!"
你有过一段很美好的友谊，也许超越了友谊，我很羡慕你。在我看来，多数父母会希望这一切烟消云散，希望他们的孩子能就此放手，但是，我不是这样的父母。如果有痛苦，就去抚慰它；如果有火焰，也不要将它掐灭，更不要粗暴地对待它。为了快速愈合，我们已经从自己身上剥夺了太多东西，以至于不到30岁，我们的感情就变得匮乏。每开始一段新的感情，我们能给予对方的便越少。但是，为了避免结束,你避免了一切开始，多么浪费啊！
"I may have come close, but I never had what you had. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. But remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. There's only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there's sorrow. I don't envy the pain. But I envy you the pain."
我也许曾经接近，但我从未拥有过你所拥有的。总有些什么在阻挠我，或者挡在我前面。如何过你的一生是你自己的事，你只要记住，上天只赐予我们一次活着的机会。你只有一个人生，而在你终于领悟之前，你的心已经疲倦不堪了。至于你的身体，总有一天没有人会愿意多看一眼，更没有人愿意接近。现在，你充满了悲伤、痛苦，我不喜欢痛苦，但我羡慕你能感受痛苦。
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