奥地利诗人里尔克的《秋日》里写道，“谁此时孤独，就永远孤独，就醒来，读书，写长长的信，在林荫路上不停地，徘徊，落叶纷飞。”孤独，无法逃避。《卫报》的这篇译文，也无法告诉你如何摆脱孤独。
拥抱孤独，世界没有你也照常运转
译者：李林治
校对：
徐唱
词汇：
尹子
梦
策划：朱宇晴
The pursuit of loneliness: how I chose a life of solitude
追求孤独：我如何选择孤独的人生
本文选自
The Guardian
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Since the late 1980s, scientists have been tracking a whale who sings at a
sonic frequency
higher than any other whale of its species: at 52 hertz, just above the lowest note on a
tuba
. It sings songs no one answers. Internet societies have been following it for years like sad
Ahabs
, transposing their own feelings on to it, believing they understand it. Alone in their bedrooms they hunt this whale they believe to be lonely just like them. Talk to scientists and they will say other whales can probably hear it, maybe it’s deaf, maybe the whale’s song is the result of a genetic mutation. But it doesn’t matter: the lonely people have taken this whale as their
totem
. I’ve followed it for years.
自80年代末起，科学家就追踪着一头鲸鱼。它的
歌声
频率
是52赫兹，仅比
大号
的最低音高一点，却比它同类的任何其他鲸鱼都高。因此，它的歌声从未得到回应。网络上的人们，就像悲伤的
亚哈船长
一样，也长年关注着它，把自己的感情转移于它，相信自己能理解它。独自在房间的时候，他们就会搜寻这头鲸鱼——他们相信这头鲸鱼和他们一样孤独。科学家们会告诉你，也许其他鲸鱼能听见它，也许它是聋的，也许它的歌声频率是因为基因
突变
。但这些都不重要，因为孤独的人们已经将它作为
图腾
。而我，已经关注它很多年了。
Ahabs
亚哈船长是名著《白鲸》中的船长，一心想要追捕白鲸，最终与之同归于尽）
mutation
|mju:ˈteɪʃn| n. change; alteration 变化; 转变; 突变; 变异
In 2015, I tried psychodynamic therapy for what my therapist called “a loss thing”. Months prior, my grandparents
collapsed
on their bedroom floor and died in hospital, days apart, from the same case of pneumonia. The
upshot
was that birthdays make me miserable and trailing their twin coffins into the crematorium on my 29th birthday didn’t feel wildly
out of sync
with my mood. What followed this – one of the rawest experiences of my life but also one of the best attended birthday parties – was pulling the plug on a relationship that had been
comatose
for years,
divvying up
not only books but friends, plus the death of a Labrador I got when I was 12. It felt like the things that kept me tied to my youth – a blind dog, the unchanging 1970s blue bathroom in my grandparents’ house, nearly all of my 20s – were disconnecting their carabiners and pushing me out into space. A loss thing.
2015年，由于我治疗师所谓的“一种缺失”，我尝试了心理动力疗程。在那数月之前，我的祖父母双双在卧室
跌倒
，在医院去世，前后仅相隔几日，死因都是肺炎。生日使我感到痛苦，所以，29岁生日那天尾随他们棺材进入火葬场，也没有让我觉得情绪上有什么特别的
不同
。但那是我人生中最刺痛的经历之一，也是我参宴人数最多的生日聚会。而在那之后，是
麻木
多年的关系的终止——不光是书，还有朋友，以及我12岁开始养的拉布拉多的死去。这种感觉就像所有连结我童年的东西松开了它们系在我身上的锁扣，将我推向深渊。失明的狗，祖父母房子中从70年代开始就没变过的蓝色浴室，几乎二十多岁所有的时光。一种缺失。
upshot
|ˈʌpʃɒt | n. the ~ (of sth) the final result or outcome 最后结果; 结局
out of sync
|sɪŋk| not moving or working at exactly the same time and speed as sb/sth else 不同步
divvy up
|ˈdɪvi| to divide sth, especially money into two or more parts 分，分摊，分享
Once you start losing a few things, it’s easier to lose the rest so you can be left alone to think. I left the chaotic house in Hackney that I shared with four guys and their various women and moved into a flat on a street filled with old people and expensive cars. I’m house sitting, so I put my stuff in storage and am living out of a suitcase and a bit of floor – a permanent state of
transience
. I quit my job in a busy open-plan newsroom to go freelance and pulled up the final anchor of a 9-to-5. I reduced my daily human interaction, piece by piece, to
nil
.
失去，一旦开始，就会继续，并变得越发简单。从而你就能一人独自思考。我离开了哈克尼区吵闹的群租房，离开了那里的四个男人和他们身边的各种女人。我搬进了一间公寓，那条街上满是老人和豪车。因为帮人看家，我就把家当都存在仓库，生活里仅剩下一个手提箱和一小块地板——那是一种恒定的
无常
。我辞去了在开放办公室的忙碌的新闻编辑工作，变成了自由职业者，也拔起了扎在朝九晚五生活中的根。我减少了日常的人际交往，一点一点，直到什么都
不剩
。
transience
|ˈtrænʃəns| n. the state or fact of lasting only for a short time; transitory nature. 短暂，无常
nil
|nɪl| n. nothing 无；零
I have no schedule, no dependants but a cat. I go to the cinema when there’s no one there except occasionally one old man. I watch the
credits
until the end because there’s no one putting their jacket on to suggest we should go (like me, the old guy has nowhere to be). When I leave the sun is still out, the streets are empty. At night, in hotel rooms around the world, there are writers avoiding deadlines while serving as lifelines for others avoiding theirs: a population of people who have jetlagged themselves over work, who are
adrift
from their own time zone and friends. We send each other pictures of coffee machines and digital clocks reading 3.12am – flares into the sky. I have engineered a life in which I exist in a rare London with no one in it except for the unemployed, the drunk and the lonely.
我没有计划，没有依靠，只有一只猫。我去空无一人的电影院，偶尔会有一个老人。我把
片尾字幕
看到最后，因为没人会穿上外套暗示我们该走了（那个老头和我一样，无处可去）。离开的时候，天还亮着，街上空无一人。到了晚上，在世界各地的旅馆里，作家们努力赶着死线，而另一群同样赶死线的人正焦急等待着他们的作品：那是一群为了工作日夜颠倒的人，慢慢远离自己的时区和朋友。我们发给彼此的照片上是咖啡机和显示着凌晨3：12的数字时钟——转瞬即逝的绚烂烟火。我把自己的人生设计在不寻常的伦敦，那里除了失业者，醉汉，和孤独者以外，空无一人。
adrift
|əˈdrɪft| v. (esp of a boat) driven by wind and water and out of control; drifting （尤指船）随风及水流漂浮而失去控制; 漂浮
Feeling blue: scientists – and lonely people – have been tracking a single blue whale who sings, unanswered, at a frequency other whales can’t hear.
感觉忧郁：科学家和孤独的人一直在追踪一头蓝鲸，它唱歌的频率和同类不同，一直收不到回应。
It requires a mental strength to be alone even if it’s what you want, to believe you’re not going to disappear or that people would notice if you did. It takes a physical strength not to text the guy you had sex with once to get him to come over, the one who says when he arrives at midnight: “Which one are you again? Are you the journalist?” and you say yes, you were that one, would you like a drink.
独自一人，即便是自愿，也需要强大的心灵来相信自己不会消失，或者相信即便自己消失了，别人也能注意到。独自一人，同时也需要定力不去给那个曾上过一次床的男人发短信，让他过来。那个午夜到你家后会问：“你是谁来着？你是那个记者？”然后你说是，就是我，要喝一杯吗。
In 2014 the Office for National Statistics voted Britain the loneliness capital of Europe and now we’re just a lonely island filled with people getting lonelier, or so 48% of us think. Only 11% of lonely people try to solve their loneliness: finding God, joining laughter yoga, scouring the internet for cures and whales.
2014年，英国国家统计局票选英国为欧洲的孤独之都，如今我们只是孤岛，岛上满是日益孤独的人——至少48%的人这么想。其中只有11%的人试图解决他们的孤独：找寻上帝、参加微笑瑜伽、上网寻求治疗和鲸鱼。
The statistics tell us there’s a “loneliness epidemic”. With an epidemic comes the search for a cure, but loneliness is so much bigger than a cure. You can be lonely in a crowd, a bed can feel emptier with the wrong person in it, and a knitting circle will not fix you. Loneliness is internal and fundamentally existential. Ernest Becker wrote in The Denial of Death that the only thing keeping humans functioning on a daily basis is their fear of death, that if we were to confront our own
oblivion
we would be frozen to the spot. I think this is why loneliness is a darker thing than just being alone. It’s a
stillness
that gives you a preview of death; it’s seeing the world carry on just fine without you in it.
数据告诉我们存在一种“孤独流行病”。每种流行病都会有人找寻疗法，但治疗孤独，需要的更多。在人群中会你感到孤独，和错的人躺在一张床上你会感到孤独，针织小组也救不了你。孤独与身俱来，挥之不去。欧内斯特·贝克尔在《拒绝死亡》中写道：每天让人活下去的唯一原因，就是对死亡的恐惧。如果我们要面对自己的泯灭，我们会在这一刻被冻结。我想，这就是为什么孤独比一个人待着更黑暗。它的
静止
让你仿佛看到了死亡，看到世界没你也照常运转。
oblivion
|əˈblɪviən| n. state of forgetting; state of being unaware or unconscious 遗忘; 忘却; 无感觉; 无知觉
stillness
|ˈstɪlnəs| the quality of being quiet and not moving 静止；安静；宁静
You can talk for hundreds of hours in therapy about your fear of death and loneliness, and get nowhere. Therapy is looking inwards where all there is is you, and when you’ve got endless quiet hours to search your soul it can feel pointless inviting someone else to watch you do it. The deepest conversations I’ve had were not with my therapist, but with my boxing trainer.
Slumped
and sweating in the corner of a boxing ring, you’re too tired to
prop up
the walls you’ve built to surround yourself and you’ll say anything. It’s like drinking in airport bars with strangers you will never see again. So I quit the therapy. I started spending more time in that room that smells like iron and sweat, and blood and leather.
你可以在治疗中花上百小时倾诉你对死亡和孤独的恐惧，但不会有任何结论。治疗探寻你的内心，而你的内心只有你一个人，当你有大把安静的时间寻找你的灵魂时，你就会觉得找个人在旁观看毫无意义。我进行过的最深入的交流并非是和心理医生，而是和我的拳击训练师。当你
垂头弯腰
，满身大汗坐在拳击场的角落，没力气再在自己与他人之间造一堵墙时，你什么都会说的。这就好像在机场的酒吧，和再也不会相见的陌生人喝酒一样。所以，我停止了治疗，开始花更多的时间去那个混杂了铁、汗、血和皮革味道的房间。
slump
|slʌmp| v. fall or flop heavily 沉重地落下或倒下
prop sth up
|prɒp| use a prop or props to raise sth and prevent it from falling 支撑起某物; 支住某物
Six days a week, I take myself to the gym like someone else would take their
deranged
