Despite
the temptation for parents to say yes to their children’s wishes, research shows
there’s an insidious side to chasing after the newest thing others have. It
fosters a sense of deficiency that can never be fully satisfied. First they want
the doll, then all of the accessories — and of course the four-story Barbie
mansion.
And so
I’ve taken on the work of saying no sometimes. At first, not surprisingly, my
daughters, aged 4 and 9, revolted. They called me a bad father and I got plenty
of mean looks. But over time, they realized the fun that comes from a no. Now my
daughters pretend that their Elsa doll plays with a package of Shopkins, giving
both toys a second, and better, life.
It
turns out that saying no pays off far beyond avoiding raising spoiled kids. When
we always yield to our children’s wants, we rob them of the opportunity to find
solutions by adapting what they already have. Kids who learn from denial realize
at an early age that they won’t always have the perfect tool for every job. They
might not know something, have something, or be something. But that’s not the
end of pursuing goals — it’s the beginning of activating their resourcefulness
to find another way.
Youngsters are naturally resourceful. Give toddlers a frying pan and all
sorts of uses come to their minds. As adults, we’re stuck using it to make a
stir-fry. Many years of chasing after things we don’t need erodes our own
ability to make more out of what we already have. It also sets a bad example for
our kids.
In
one study, researchers asked elementary school children to help Bobo the
Bear, a stuffed animal, reach his toy lion using some materials: building
blocks, a pencil, an eraser, a ball, a magnet, a toy car and a wooden
box.
As
children grow older, their brains develop in ways that should make it easier for
them to solve this type of problem. Indeed, the oldest children in the study (6-
and 7-year-olds) reached the correct solution (i.e., using the wooden box to
prop up the building blocks) faster, on average, than the younger participants,
who were 5.
But
there was one condition in the experiment when the younger children ended up
outperforming the older kids. And it had nothing to do with innate talents or
artistic tendencies.
The
researchers made a subtle change in how they displayed the materials. Instead of
laying them all out on the table, the researchers used the wooden box as a
container to store everything else, such as the magnet and pencil. Upon seeing
the box acting like a container, the older children struggled to expand it to
anything beyond a container. For the younger children, the box remained just as
flexible a resource as it was before.
Each
time we acquiesce to our kids’ latest request to buy something, we subtly
condition them that their resources have limited uses. An occasional veto will
compel them, in this case literally, to think outside the box.
In
American culture, abundance tends to be seen as a symbol of success, prompting
some parents to say yes to things they can’t really afford. Witness the elaborate coming of age parties people across cultures and
income levels throw for their children, even if it means going into
debt.
Many
people who grow up without much recognize resourcefulness as an essential skill
to get by. Those of us fortunate to live in relative abundance can benefit from
occasionally experiencing scarcity. To be sure, I’m not suggesting denying
children a generous supply of things they actually need like healthy meals, warm
clothes and love. But plenty of wishes we cater to teach the wrong message. By
having children occasionally experience scarcity, we can help them solve
problems more effectively.
In one study, a set of participants wrote a brief essay
about a time in childhood when they didn’t have much, while a second set wrote
about growing up having a lot. Afterward, the researchers presented both groups
with a problem that required using Bubble Wrap in different ways. People
assigned to the scarcity group had better solutions compared to the abundance
group.
Why
might thinking about scarcity lead people to view their resources more
expansively? With abundance, people treat resources as what they appear to be on
the surface, utilizing them in traditional ways. But when embracing scarcity,
they give themselves freedom to use resources in new ways. Imagine the upside of
a weekend full of “nos” — it’s likely to be one occupied with new experiences:
invented games, a family dance party or time spent outdoors.
This
strategy has worked wonders for our family, and I received the ultimate
compliment after my older daughter’s most recent birthday party. It was “the
best day of my life,” she gleefully told me. Instead of paying for a party, we
had a scavenger hunt in a nearby park where we asked the kids to scour the area
to find things they could use to solve challenges, like making containers to
protect an egg from a 10-foot fall. There were three teams of kids, each with
their unique combination from a variety of materials, including newspaper, cups,
leftover Halloween jack-o’-lanterns, dirt, cotton and Bubble Wrap. The kids,
naturally resourceful when we let them be, had a blast. And no eggs were
broken.
All
was good until we got home. “Can I open my presents now?” my daughter asked.
“Yes,” I hesitantly replied. I’ll have plenty of other chances down the road for
my next no.
——
May 17, 2017 | 985 words
