“唉，当时应该这么说的。”
你是不是也常遇到这种情况？在吵完架几天后，会突然想到一个机智又毒舌还能噎得对方说不出话的反击？
但，并没有什么用，你在打嘴仗中惨败的事实没法改变。
Bored Panda收集了一波面对恶言时，当机立断、直戳要害的段子，供“不会吵架星人”参考。
Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:
想讲讲我那个超机智的游戏设计课老师。当时的副校长横竖看我们老师不顺眼。有一次课，我们都戴着耳机埋头编程，老师就拿了本书坐在前面，也方便及时解答我们的问题。这个时候，副校长过来了。
VP: "Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable."
副校长：“老师先生，我看你根本就管不住这个班啊！这老师怎么当的。”
Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.
我们老师给了他一个相当冷漠的眼神，不紧不慢地放下手中的书，然后pia pia pia拍了三下手（通常当我们都在听歌时，老师会用这种方法叫我们集中注意）。提醒一下，当时我们并不知道刚刚副校长和老师间发生了什么。高能来了。
Teacher: "Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This'll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up."
老师：“来来来大家都听着！下面我们来做个小练习，不会占用大家太久。首先，请大家起立。”
We all stood up in near unison very quickly.
我们迅速站起来。
Teacher: "Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says," as he points his finger at VP, "do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!"
老师：“很好。现在请大家出去，站在走廊上，不管这个人说什么，”说着指向了副校长，“大家都别听他的。好了，动起来！”
We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.
虽然一脸蒙圈，我们还是出去了。
Teacher: "Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom"
老师：“好了副校长大人，现在请您把孩子们叫回教室吧。”
We didn't budge.
结局你能猜到了吧，我们谁也没挪一步。
My HS principal once insulted my mother's English (she's not from America).
我的高中校长有次嘲笑我妈妈的英语（她不是在美国长大）。
She just politely apologized for the mixup and said "I'm sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?"
妈妈很有礼貌地道了歉，“实在不好意思，有时我总把英语和其他六种语言搞混。对了，您会说几种语言？”
Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali.
来段拳王阿里的故事。
when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said "Superman needs no seatbelt!"
有一次乘飞机，空姐请他系上安全带，阿里拒绝了，“超人不用安全带！”
"Superman needs no plane" she replied.
空姐超机智地说，“超人还不用坐飞机呢。”
Boss to worker: "I need you to do such and such."
老板对流水线员工：“来给我做一下这个和这个。”
Worker: "You didn't say the "P" word".
员工：“你没有用‘请’开头的词。”
Boss says, "Paycheck".
老板：“‘钱’是我发的。”
I'm eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter.
有次在外面吃早餐，一个上了年纪的绅士坐在我边上。
He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy's plate and I guess he noticed that he didn't really eat a whole lot.
他吃完准备离开的时候，旁边另一个人看见他盘子里有剩饭，没吃多少。
He says to the old man as he's leaving, "people are starving, and you're leaving food on the plate."
于是，他说道：“那么多人在忍饥挨饿，你却浪费粮食。”
Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, "people are starving, and you're fat. What's the difference?"
绅士看了那人一眼，回道：“忍饥挨饿的人的确很多，不过看你那么胖，咱们彼此彼此。”
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger "You know, smoking kills."
有次在酒吧，一个男子对一抽烟的陌生人说：“抽烟会死人的你知道吗？”
The stranger replies "you know my grandma lived to the age 101."
陌生人：“我奶奶活到101岁你知道吗？”
Guy goes "smoking?"
男子：“因为抽烟？”
Stranger immediately replies with "minding her own business."
陌生人：“因为不管闲事。”
My friend asked our teacher "In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?"
一朋友问老师：“20年后我们再相聚，您会对我说点啥？”
She replied, "how was prison?"
老师：“在监狱里过得还好么？”
I have an in-law who eats keto and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his (very overweight) cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave.
一亲戚在用生酮减肥（一种脂肪高比例、碳水低比例的配比饮食减肥法）。他有个（特别胖的）表亲，颠儿颠儿地跑去跟他说教：这个法子不好，死得早。
His response? "Yeah, but at least they'll be able to carry my coffin."
我亲戚咋回应的？“是，但至少我死的时候人家抬得动我。”
当然啦，吵架这种事伤和气又伤元气，大家还是不要轻易尝试……
编辑：唐晓敏
实习编辑：周泉
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