Don’t Touch, Don’t Go Dutch and Other Tips for Dating Success
Forget falling in love at first sight. On the eve of Valentine’s Day, a professional matchmaker offers advice for successful dating.
The Wall Street Journal
By Aleeza Ben Shalom
Feb. 13, 2025 | 603 words | ★★☆☆☆
We all know stories of “love at first sight.” We’ve seen them in movies and heard them in love songs. Maybe we even know a couple who caught a glimpse of each other across a crowded room and BAM!—a chemical reaction. The prevailing narrative of instant love (just add water!) is one that most people try to recreate when they’re looking for a partner—then they wonder why they’re still single.
The idea that bells will ring and angels sing the moment you meet the right person is something I call “Disney dating.” I get the appeal. Even I can’t resist when Aladdin melts at the first sight of Jasmine in the marketplace. But it is a cop-out, a way of saying, “My only job is to recognize my person when he magically appears.” It absolves people of responsibility and tricks them into mistaking physical attraction for love.
As a matchmaker and dating coach, I can confidently say that a lasting love demands far more than whatever you see in that first moment. It can and should be cultivated intentionally, like a good habit. This may sound unsexy, but the results have the potential to last much longer than a 90-minute cartoon.
This is the advice I give to everyone who comes to me in the hopes of finding a good match.
Date ‘Em ‘Til You Hate ‘Em
OK, I don’t mean you should actually hate someone, just that you should continue dating until you are 100% sure this is definitely not your person. Everyone asks me: “But how will I know?” Well, when you’re sure, you’re sure. If you don’t know, you are in fact not sure—and you should keep dating.
When done right, dating is simply gathering information. Because it takes time to even begin scratching the surface of who this other person might be and who they might be with you, I tell my clients to commit to a minimum of five dates with someone. And if after five dates you’re still not sure? When in doubt, go out.
Hands-Off Dating
This tip usually raises eyebrows, but try to avoid any physical intimacy for the first five dates. Love may or may not be blind, but touch is certainly blinding. Introducing it too early can trick you into thinking there’s a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. I’ve seen physical chemistry lead too many people to ignore red flags, or even basic incompatibility, because their bodies were already off and running.
“How will I know if it works in the bedroom if I don’t, you know, try it out?” If I had a dollar for every time I was asked this question, I’d cruise to Cyprus with my family on our own private yacht. My clients often approach dating with an intense focus on sexual compatibility—otherwise, they’re out. But they’re selling themselves short. Going to bed with someone you’re just getting to know is like reading the third page of a novel. You might enjoy it, but it’s nothing compared to the last chapter, after you’ve spent hours investing in the characters and getting swept up by the plot.
Most people will be happy to respect your boundaries if you communicate them with kindness and courtesy. If someone pushes back, that will tell you a lot about who they are. Date six, when done right, is electric. If you make it that far, you’ll know that both of you are there for the right reasons.
Intentional Intimacy
My clients typically assume chemistry should be instantaneous and effortless. My job is to disabuse them, to let them know that chemistry is actually something they can activate for themselves. This is good news: Instead of waiting around for sparks, you can try to light them.
The best ways to do this are simple, if not necessarily easy. First, put your phone away. You are allowed to look at it zero times on a date. Instead, look your date in the eyes, address him or her by name, ask questions, listen to the answers and follow up. I’m often surprised by just how many people don’t quite appreciate the value of attention.
Many of my clients seem to assume that it’s better to be aloof instead of vulnerable, that they should be playing hard to get. This is a mistake. A game of hide and seek may be fun in the short term, but it rarely serves those who are looking for an actual relationship with a grown-up. Challenge yourself to be authentically you. With the right person, this works.
Splitting the Bill Splits the Connection
Call me old-fashioned, but I think one person should cover the whole bill. Whether it’s $1 or $100, paying for someone communicates your investment in them because you value their time and company. It’s a way to bridge the gap between two hopeful, nervous, fact-finding individuals.
This shouldn’t be about power or gender; the same person shouldn’t have to pay every time. But the gesture is an expression of openness and optimism and can go a long way toward rewarding the vulnerability of simply showing up.
End It on a High Note
Don’t burn bridges. Even if this person isn’t your person, they have given you their time and energy, so make sure to thank them. Maybe you’ll know someone better for them. Maybe they’ll have a friend who’s better for you. Keep it classy, and they’ll keep you in mind.
Every date, even with the wrong person, can leave you with valuable information about yourself: who you are, what you want in your partner. Try to focus on the process instead of the outcome, and I guarantee you’ll come out of it with at least one great relationship: the one you have with yourself.
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