老外说：娶中国媳妇儿是怎样一种感受丨CD电台

本文转自念念英文（echo_eng），已获授权

2016.12.11｜老外说

阅读提示｜本文约5800字  阅读需要17分钟

文 / 小胡   录音 / 大卫
编辑 / Echo & 马儿

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- Q1 -

How did you meet your wife? （love story, hmm…）

你和你老婆怎么认识的？（八一八恋爱经历，嘿嘿…）

She came to the US to do her PhD in the same lab where I was also doing my PhD, so we met through work. I still remember the first time I saw her, she wore a pink T-shirt and short overalls, and I was like, “wow, she is really cute!”  But, I tried really hard to be cool and professional.

我们是通过工作认识的，当时她来米国读博，和我正好一个实验室。我记得第一次见到她，她穿的是粉色T恤和背带短裤。我当时就震惊了, 心想：“哇噻，好萌！”但是我忍住了内心的鸡冻，努力保持淡定和专业。

Pretty early on, I found out that she wasn’t just cute, but also smart and a great big dummy, just like me. She made jokes all the time and liked making people around her happy: just a really sweet person. So, I tried to spend more time with her because she was so much fun to be around. I taught her molecular biology after class, because biology vocabulary can be hard even for native speakers, and at the same time it let me sneakily spend more time with her. She helped me out with my Chinese homework and made fun of my first-grade handwriting.

很早的时候，我就发现她不仅仅是看起来萌，而且很聪明，还和我一样，是一个巨大的逗比。她经常开玩笑，让大家很开心，是一个满满都是爱的人。于是，我经常刻意创造机会多和她相处，因为和她在一起实在很有趣。我给她开小灶辅导分子生物学（啊！学霸的爱情！！！），因为生物学的词汇太难了，哪怕对于母语是英语的人来说都很难。当然学习只是借口，真正目的是顺便偷偷多和她待在一起。她帮我修改我中文课的作业，并经常嘲笑说我的字像小学一年级学生写的。

We became good friends and talked about a lot of stuff together. It turns out that we agreed on a lot important things and thought about life the same way.  She even loved board games, which had never happened to me with any other girl before. 

我们于是成为了无话不说的好朋友，我惊奇地发现，我们的想法、爱好出奇的一致，她甚至也喜欢桌游。我从来没有遇到过这样的女生。

So about 6 months later, I decided I want her in my life full time. But because I had never really dated anyone successfully in the past, my dating moves were not very strong.  Actually, they were terrible. Like, when I took her to dinner, I tried to split the check, because previous women I tried to date wanted to be independent and turned me down for paying for their meals. So I thought maybe that just how women are like now. 

大概六个月过后，我决定进一步发展友谊。但是由于我从来没有追成功过任何女生，约会技能真的弱爆了。比如，我带她去吃饭，完了还打算和她AA， 因为以前我尝试追过的女生都想要独立，拒绝我帮她们买单，所以我天真的认为现在女生都这样。

But it turns out that she was a little more traditional, and thought that whoever asks someone out should also be the one who pays for dinner. She tried to cue me in on this by inviting me to lunch and paying for it, but of course I didn’t get the hint.  Also there was one time that I invited her to go to a wedding with me. That evening I thought she was tired and had gone to bed, so I stayed up hanging out with my other friends. But, it turns out that she wasn’t sleeping, and she came looking for me, and expected I would invite her to spend time with me and my friends. But she couldn’t find me, which made her confused as to whether or not I actually liked her. Thankfully, she just thought I was a cute nerd and didn’t give up on me. 

但是，我老婆更加传统一点，她认为谁请吃饭谁就该买单。于是她尝试暗示我，请我去吃午饭并且买单，可惜我当时没有领会。还有一次，我请她和我一起去参加朋友婚礼，头天晚上我以为她睡了，就自己去和朋友嗨了，结果她并没有睡，而且还以为我会邀请她和我的朋友一起玩。所以当时她比较疑惑我到底是不是喜欢她。还好她只是觉得我笨的可爱，没有直接放弃。

Then finally, on one night I drove her back to her apartment after work. Before she got out of the car, I decided to say something, so I said, “Hey, I like you, and I think you like me too, right?” And she was like, “sure?” kind of as a question. She texted me later, to ask if I was asking her out, and we decided that should be our anniversary.
So once we got past that and started dating for-real, things became surprisingly easy. Whenever we were confused about how the other person was acting, we just asked and talked about things.  My life is so much better with her inside it, so last December, on Christmas day in fact, we got married. And now, life together is totally great!
终于，在我送她回家的某一天晚上，在她下车之前，我打算说点啥。所以我说：“内个，我喜欢你，你也喜欢我，对吧？”，她一脸迷茫地说：“啊？对？”然后她短信问我是不是在追她，于是我们愉快地决定了那一天就算我们的纪念日。
过了挣扎的暧昧期后，一切变得超级简单。当对方的行为让我们不爽的时候，我们会直接问是咋回事。有了她的加入，我的人生变得很嗨。所以去年圣诞我们结婚了，生活真美好！

八一八情侣间尴尬的AA

相信AA制大家都不陌生，朋友们出去玩，大家各付各账，轻松愉快。但是对于情侣之间呢？这种比朋友更进一步、但又没有真的成为利益共同体的夫妻，所谓粉红色地带，真的是最尴尬的。对于非土豪的大多数小伙伴在谈恋爱的时候，账单问题是怎么解决的？

在中国，就念小编周围的朋友来说，大多是男生出大头（谁让你是男人理论，哈哈哈），特别是前期追求的时候。女生出小头或是买小礼物，又或者你请我吃饭、我请你看电影，很少听说一顿饭都要AA的情况。当然或许也有别的方式，欢迎大家留言补充。

在美国，念小编也和不少当地小伙伴讨论过这个问题，就得到的答案来说，似乎男生比女生更加容易尴尬。传统文化大家都差不多：所谓男人给钱，天经地义。问题就出在美国近几十年成功的女权运动，搞得有些原本很自然的事情，变得很别扭。比如有些极端一点的美国妹纸，会严词拒绝男士付账，她们会认为这是觉得她们没有独立能力的表现，满满的玻璃心啊。当然也有比较偏向传统的一派，依然倾向于男士买单。只能说目前的大趋势是，前期会比较希望AA，然后看感情发展情况再议。

不得不说这种现况让男生很郁闷。对于网恋或者相亲见面的情况还好，反正大家都才刚开始见面，AA很自然。但是带暗恋的女生出去吃饭就尴尬了，本来帮着买单是很好的暗示，但现在他们就得考虑：万一碰到不愿“被买单”的女权主义者，对方会不会大义凛然地拒绝。所以对于男生来讲，如何能让暗恋对象开心地接受你掏钱请客，绝对是个技术活。

BUT，一个万人迷型的美男曾经一脸懵逼地告诉念小编，他并没有遇到过女生拒绝他付账啊。（想来就算他要AA也不会遭人鄙视吧。世界就是这么残酷……）

- Q2 -

Do you think Chinese girls & American girls are very different?

你觉得中美两国的妹纸差异大吗？

So there seems to be a lot written and said about how different Asian and American women are. But at least with my wife, that just isn’t really true. Our upbringings were very similar; I was raised in a pretty conservative family and she was also raised in a conservative family in China. And it turns out a lot of things we were taught were very similar. Like, there is no dating before college and obviously there is no sex before marriage. But once you get to collage you should immediately start dating and finding a wife. So, it’s this weird situation where you are not supposed to date, but then all of a sudden you are supposed to be really good at it, and find somebody to marry, have kids, find a job, be responsible, and it’s all very similar between our cultures I think.

貌似网上确实有很多关于亚洲女生、美国女生非常不同的文章，但这些至少对于我老婆完全不适用。我们所受的家庭教育非常相似，我在一个传统的美国家庭长大，她出生于一个保守的中国家庭，而我们从小被灌输的一些思想也相当类似。比如大学之前不能谈恋爱，婚前显然不能有X生活，但是大学后应该马上开始谈恋爱找老婆。这一点超级奇怪，家长先是完全不让你谈恋爱，然后突然间你就得非常擅长谈恋爱，找到人结婚、生娃，找份稳定工作，对家庭负责任等等，我们俩的文化中有很多这样类似的相同点。

One of the big differences I did notice was that it seems like in America, feminism is a bigger movement than in China.  You are more likely to find a woman here who wants to be seen first and foremost as independent and capable. So that screwed me up a little bit when I was dating. Thankfully it wasn’t a deal breaker and we got through it. And at the same time, you’ll find Chinese women who are very independent also and don’t need or want a man to be helping them. Ultimately, it seems more like the differences are individual and not cultural, and it isn’t very helpful to “paint with too broad a brush”.

我注意到有一点比较大的不同，就是女权主义在美国比中国更加深入。所以你更有可能遇到非常强调独立自主的美国女生，这一点让我经常搞砸约会。还好我并没有因此彻底没戏，我们平稳地度过了这个差异。当然我相信也有一些在约会时非常强调个人独立的中国女生，她们也不希望凡事都让男友帮忙。所以我认为，这个差异更多的属于个人差异，而不是文化差异，“用太大的刷子画画（以偏概全）”不可取。

- Q3 -

Are there any shocking or funny differences in your lifestyles or habits?

你们俩的生活方式、生活习惯有没有啥巨大分歧？

Honestly, not really.  Again, we grew up in two very similar families, which makes our life together a lot easier. The most “shocking” thing I remember so far was probably the time when she said she was OK and wanted to be alone, which actually means she was not OK and that I’d better show up ASAP (as soon as possible). 

老实说并没有。我们的家庭背景真的很相似，所以相处起来很容易。目前为止出现过的最“恐怖”的差异应该是有一次她说“我没事，想一个人待着”，实际上她的意思是“事儿大了！你最好立马给老娘滚过来！！”。

I learned two things from that experience.  First, that I should never leave her alone despite what she says.  And second, and most importantly, everything is my fault. She is a perfect girlfriend and wife, I am just a dumb dude, so it must be my fault. I guess the only other thing that confuses me, and I think this is true for a lot of women, I don’t understand why she thinks she is fat. I think her body is perfect. Now I am still working on making her like her body as much as I do. So that’s pretty much as far as our differences go. 

那次的经历让我领悟了两点：第一，随便她说啥，我不能真让她一个人待着；第二，也是最重要的一点，所有的事情都是我的错。她是个完美的女朋友兼老婆，我只是个二货，所以一定是我错了。哦，对了，还有一件让我很困惑的事情，我想很多女生都这样。我不理解为啥她觉得自己胖？我觉得她身材很好，现在我依然在不断尝试说服她不胖。这差不多就是我们生活中最大的分歧了。

But, I searched the internet, and a lot of things that I have seen and read about people who have so much culture shock, seems like it revolves around food or money. And in both of those areas, we haven’t had too many problems.  

我搜了一下，大部分感受到巨大文化差异的人，主要问题都集中在“吃”或者“钱”上面，这些方面我们并没有遇到太多问题。

Food-wise, I was vegetarian when I met my wife. But she seems to think that vegetables on their own are not real food. Once she started just making food for me, I felt like I couldn’t really tell her I didn’t want to eat it. Especially because she learned how to cook just for me and the food she makes tastes so good. So I did start eating meat again. But I still draw the line at shrimp, because shrimp is gross, and also I am allergic to it, but even if I wasn’t, shrimp is gross. She respects that, and only makes fun of me about it. 

饮食方面，我遇到她的时候是个素食主义者，但是她貌似觉得只吃素菜不算吃饭。当她开始给我做菜的时候，我感觉我不可能拒绝，尤其是她为了我才学会做菜的，而且她做的菜真的太好吃了，所以我又开始吃肉了（我去…… 连素食主义都能被掰过来！是真爱啊！）。但我的底线是绝对不吃虾，因为我对虾过敏，而且虾看起来真的很恶心。对于这一点她表示尊重，却也一直不停地嘲笑我。

Regarding money, I know some Americans do keep separate accounts but I had no problem merging ours right when we got married. She is in charge of all my income, and has successfully brain washed me into thinking that my money is her money, and her money is still her money. Maybe that is partly our upbringings coming into effect.  In both of our families, our mothers were in charge of finances, but who knows. We haven’t had any big problems yet, and we always talk about it before we make big purchases. 

钱的方面，我知道一些美国人婚后会保持独立账户，但是我对于婚后合并账户没啥意见。我的收入全上交，而且她对我成功洗脑，现在我也觉得我的钱就是她的钱，她的钱依然是她的钱（干得漂亮！）。或许这又是我们原生家庭的影响，我们两家都是妈妈管钱，但谁晓得呢…… 反正我们目前还没遇到任何问题，每次要进行大笔消费前我们也都会讨论。

- Q4 -

How do you get along with your Chinese parents-in-law? Are there any different family values and language barriers?

你是怎么应对老丈人和丈母娘的？有木有什么障碍（语言和价值观方面）？

Well, this is an interesting question. Overall, like I mentioned before, there aren’t too many different family values, which probably really helps. A fun example of how my family works is: back when I was younger, my mom and sisters wanted to get a pet cat.  My dad isn’t really an animal person, and he didn’t want a cat. So they talked about it, and “compromised,” and got a cat. I have heard there are some similar stories in her family, so based on that, you could see our family values are pretty similar.

这是一个很有意思的问题，前面我也提到过，总体说来，我们没有多大的家庭观念差异，这对于我们跟对方家人相处很有帮助。我讲一个我们家的故事：我小时候，我妈和妹妹想养猫。但我爸不喜欢动物，他完全不想养猫。所以他们讨论之后决定“各让一步”，就养一只猫。我也听到过我老婆家里有类似的故事，所以可以看出，我们家庭价值观很接近 —— 凡事都可以商量，互相包容和妥协。

The language barrier can be a problem because I don’t speak much of any Chinese. When her mom was visiting, that made for some interesting times. My wife was really busy at the time, but we had to go shopping, and so it was just me, and her mother, and we went to the Chinese market and we were trying to buy food. It was pretty much me, on my phone, with a Chinese to English translating dictionary, trying to type in words, figuring out what she was saying based on the pinyin. And at one point I remember she asked me about male chickens. I have never even heard of male chickens been used in food, but apparently that’s a thing in Chinese cooking; you cook the male ones different than the female ones.

不过语言障碍确实是个问题。因为我基本不会说中文，所以我丈母娘来看我们的时候，好玩的事儿就多了。我老婆当时很忙，没时间和我们去买菜，所以我和丈母娘只能单独行动。我们去了一个中国超市，我只能靠手机上的汉英词典，根据拼音来猜她在说啥。我记得她问我关于公鸡的事情。我从来没听说过可以吃公鸡，但是很显然在中国菜里，公鸡和母鸡做法不同。

When I told her that I think that they are all female chickens she seemed so confused, like how could you not differentiate between male and female chickens. So that was fun. But we got through it. And it seems like her mom really warmed up to me once we started playing majiang and I proved that  I wasn’t totally idiot, and I could learn some important things. Now her parents are not living with us and I mostly communicate with them through WeChat stickers, and I get my wife to keep me updated about any important family events that are going on.

当我告诉丈母娘我觉得这儿所有的鸡都是母鸡的时候，她很疑惑，世界上居然有不区分公鸡母鸡的地方。这点很有趣，还好我们沟通解决了（就将就吃母鸡吧）。后来当我们一起打麻将的时候，丈母娘貌似终于开始喜欢我了，因为我通过麻将证明了我脑子不笨，也能学习一些重要的技能。现在我老婆的父母没和我们一起住，我们聊微信的时候主要靠表情包交流，她会及时向我更新一些重要的家庭活动。 

And as far as my family goes, they love her so there is no problem there. She talks to my family probably more than I do. And generally our parents are pretty hands off on our marriage, so we don’t have too many conflicts with them in that respect. I think that parents in general are always going to want to have their kids make babies, so her parents and my parents are always pushing us to give them grandkids. But we try to keep them at bay.

我家里人倒是都很喜欢我老婆，所以我家这边没啥问题，她跟我家里人联系得有可能比我还多。一般来说，我们的父母对于我们的婚姻都不太干涉，所以没有啥冲突。不过老人家多半都是想要抱孙子的，两边爹妈都爱催生，我们也只能尽量屏蔽干扰，当作没听见。

面对很多媒体对于跨国恋的妖魔化，我们不禁想问，中国涉外婚姻的成功率到底有多高？根据凤凰网的说法，我国涉外婚姻的离婚率只有10%，低于内地平均水平。所以，跨国恋并不是那么可怕，关键是得遇到对的人。

至于为啥那么多找歪果仁的明星都杯具收场，这个可以参照一下贵圈的风气，用明星来当论据本身是站不住脚的。所以念小编鼓励大家在适度理智的情况下勇敢去爱，国籍不是判断一个人是否靠谱的唯一标准，毛爷爷教育我们要具体问题具体分析，不尝试怎么知道对不对呢？

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➊ 

paint with too broad a brush

原文：

It isn’t very helpful to “paint with too broad a brush”.

释义：

paint with too broad a brush，字面上看表示“用太大的刷子画画”的意思，因为用太大的刷子画画，所以必然很粗略。这个短语用来描述那些只重视整体，而忽略个体差异的现象，类似于“以偏概全”。

例句：

He's painting with too broad a brush when he says there's nothing but drunks and addicts in that neighborhood, some very good people live there. 

他说这个社区只有醉汉和瘾君子，这是以偏概全了，也有一些很好的人住这。   

➌ 

keep sb. / sth. at bay

原文：

But we try to keep them at bay.

释义：

keep sb./sth. at bay，字面意思是把某人或者某件事留在海湾，想象一下把军舰锁在海湾，它们就不能出去祸害别人了。所以这个短语表示控制或者屏蔽某人或者某事，以防止其对自己的干扰或者伤害。

例句：

She fought to keep her fear at bay.

她努力控制自己的恐惧。

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