都说美国尺度大，出轨能接受吗？丨CD电台

How would you personally define cheating in relationships? What behaviors would count as cheating?  

你是如何定义出轨的？什么样的行为能算作出轨呢？

Cheating can be a very broad term. Obviously having sex with someone who is not your partner if you both agreed to be exclusive with each other, that’s cheating. But broader than that, I think there is definitely the possibility of emotional cheating sometimes. You don’t confide in your spouse or significant other as much as you should. 

出轨的定义可以很宽泛。如果你和TA互相承诺彼此是唯一的恋爱关系，但你却和伴侣以外的人发生了性关系，这很显然是出轨。我个人觉得精神出轨也是存在的，这种情况下，你会对你的伴侣有所隐瞒，无法坦诚。

If you’re building your emotional relationship with someone else, that could also be cheating. Also things like using porn could be cheating, unless you both like porn, then whatever.  But, if you use porn instead of putting effort into your relationship, that can cause trouble, right? Like if that causes you to value your wife or husband less: it’s possible cheating there. 

当你对别人产生了情感上的寄托和依赖，就算是出轨了。有时候不当使用“爱情动作片”也可能产生类似的情况：如果你们两个人都爱看，那无所谓；但如果你过度依赖它，而不是把精力花在恋爱关系上，这也可能带来一些问题吧？比如，你因此YY太多，并且开始嫌弃你的伴侣，达到一定程度后，就有可能算出轨。

I know people close to me, who said that ‘if there is no ring, it’s fair game.’ which always seems really shitty to me, because you can have a committed relationship without signing legal papers to say that the government approves of your marriage. So then if you have decided you want to be exclusive with somebody, whether or not they have given you a ring, or sign some papers, it shouldn’t matter. 

我的一些朋友认为：“只要没戴戒指，就算公平竞争。” 我个人觉得这种观点相当渣，因为两个人建立一段相互承诺的关系，并不是靠政府批准的一纸婚书，而是每个人自己的决定。所以如果你确定要和TA发展一段恋爱关系，不论你们结婚与否，（对这段关系的忠诚度）都应该没有区别。

All of these things I think apply to almost any relationship. Even if you’re just dating kind of casually, but you both agree to date exclusively to see whether it works out. You can cheat on that person, and that can be really harmful and mean. So don’t do it. Be nice to people. 

这些出轨的定义适用于几乎所有的关系。即使你只是随便交往一下，想试试看对方是否合适，但只要你们双方都认可了这期间只和对方交往，那出轨的定义在这里依然成立，而且（这样的行为）会很伤人。所以不要这样，要善良。

There could even be cheating in an open relationship. Although open relationships have looser rules, honesty is still essential. Like if you don’t tell your partner that you are seeing someone, that might be cheating. Or if your partner hates someone and you sleep with that person without informing them, then it might count as cheating. 

即使在开放式关系中，出轨也可能发生。开放式关系的确比一般的关系更加宽松，没有那么多规则和束缚，但是诚实依然很重要。如果你瞒着TA和别人交往，这可能就算出轨。或者你在伴侣不知情的情况下，和TA讨厌的人睡了，还一直不告诉TA，这也是出轨。

If someone does cheat, how does their partner usually deal with it?

如果有人出轨了，他们的伴侣知道后一般怎么处理呢？

Having a big fight, splitting in peace, or forgiving and pretending nothing happened; depending on the people, all of the above are possible. 

疯狂互撕、和平分手、原谅并且装作云淡风轻，这些都有可能。

It would depend on the level of cheating. As we previously discussed, there are levels, like having sex with somebody is different than the just getting emotionally attached to someone else, or like fooling around but not actually having sex. They are all wrong and mean, but they are not on the same level.

人们的反应跟出轨的程度不同也有关系。我们之前讨论过，出轨是有不同级别的，比如实际上发生了性关系和精神上开了个小差、有贼心没贼胆就是不同的。虽然这些行为都很渣，但是渣的程度不一样。

The amount of cheating that happened could also have an effect on how people would deal with it. You know, having a one night stand is different than seeing 8 different people for years. Having sex with a prostitute is different than with a co-worker. 

出轨的量多少也是一个因素。比如一夜情和连续n年劈腿8个人就大不一样，招妓和出轨同事也完全是两码事。

And another factor is how deep you were in this relationship. Getting cheated on by a 10-year husband probably feels different than with a one-month boyfriend. 

另外一个影响因素是受害方陷入这段关系有多深，被结婚十年的老公出轨，和被刚交往一个月的男朋友劈腿的feel是不一样的。

Anyway, depending on the personality of the people, they have all sorts of ways of dealing with it and sometimes it will get really really ugly. Like in the movie Gone Girl, in order to deal with her husband’s cheating, the wife framed her husband for her murder, and got him arrested and almost killed. And she even considered killing herself so that they could die together. Although it’s just a movie, there might be some similar stories in real life. So guys, don’t cheat on your wife.  Ladies, don’t cheat either.

总之，不同性格的人们会选择不同的方式来处理，不排除有时候事态会发展到及其丑陋难堪的地步。像电影《消失的爱人》里，女主的老公出轨了，于是女主精心策划并伪造了自己被害的谋杀现场，设计陷害她老公，把他抓进监狱，甚至还打算自杀大家一起死。尽管这只是个电影，但艺术是源于生活的嘛，说不定真有类似的事情发生。所以男人们，请不要出轨，姑娘们，也请自重啊。

Related to this question, like I said, you shouldn’t cheat in the first place, but what should you do if you find someone else attractive while you are in a relationship? That could totally happen because life is never simple. 

顺便展开讨论一下，虽然我们都知道不应该出轨，但万一你在一段恋爱关系中，真发现自己爱上了别人该怎么办呢？这确实有可能发生，因为生活从来不简单。

Well, I don’t think that there is a standard answer for this question, but for me, depending on where I am in the current relationship, I will deal with it differently. First of all, I will never date someone for more than a month or sleep with her if I am not sure I loved her, which is why I was single for almost 30 years.  So if I was in a relationship less than a month, then I find someone else attractive,  I would be honest with my current girlfriend and break up with her first, and then move on to the girl I liked more. 

我觉得这个问题并没有标准答案，对于我来说，如何处理关键是看我目前这段关系处于一个什么状态。首先，当我不确定自己是否爱她的时候，我不会和她交往一个月以上或者和她发生性关系，这也是为啥我曾经单了快30年……所以如果我和一个人交往不到一个月，然后发现自己喜欢上别人了，我会坦白和现任说清楚这个情况，先和她分手，然后去追别的更喜欢的人。

But if I was in a stable relationship in which I was pretty sure I did love my girlfriend, I would not even think of any other girl in that way. I don’t really understand how you could love two people at the same time. Even if I find some girl is nicer, and that’s a big IF, I still have all the history with my current partner, which make her special for me. So I would let any thoughts of infidelity disappear ASAP, not to say do anything about it.  

但是如果我处于一个很稳定的关系中，这就说明了我很确定爱我女朋友，那我就不会对其他女生有非分之想。我不是很理解为啥有些人可以同时爱两个人，即使我遇到了更好的女生（这几乎不可能），但我和现任已经有了很多共同的历史了，这些共同的经历使她对于我来说是很特别的。所以我会让自己任何不忠的想法立马消失，更不用说会有什么实际行动了。

And at very least, there is responsibility. Like, and lust, and love are different, at least for me. Maybe you can like a lot of people when you first meet them, and it’s clear that you can find people sexually attractive after just meeting them, but you can love only after you spend a lot of time with them alone in your personal life. Getting to know someone other than your partner on that level could be an irresponsible thing to do to your relationship. It might mean that your current relationship already has some problems. You should try your best to sort that out before you do anything stupid.

而且还有责任的问题。至少对于我来说，喜欢、冲动和爱是不一样的。你可能会有很多第一次见面就喜欢的人，甚至也可能觉得某些你刚认识的人很性感，但是只有在跟一个人长期、深入的相处了解过后，你才会爱上一个人。而花时间去深入了解除了你伴侣之外的人，已经是对你当前关系的不负责任了。这很可能意味着你和现任的关系出了一些问题，在做任何傻事（劈腿）之前，你应该先尝试去解决问题。

If you cannot fix it and you both agree to end it, you can divorce or break up first and then start to consider other people. But if your partner still wants to be with you, you at least owe it to them an unambiguous break up before moving on. Being in this relationship is your own life choice and you should take some personal responsibility for it. There is no excuse for being dishonest and cheating. 

如果你无法解决你们之间的问题，你们俩都觉得应该分了，你可以先离婚或者分手，然后再考虑其他人。如果你的伴侣对你还有依恋，出于对TA的责任，你至少应该先和TA彻底结束，再和其他人在一起。毕竟当前的关系也是你自己的人生选择，你就得为这个选择负责，总之不管什么情况下，都没有理由出轨。

Anyway, that leads us to another important topic that might be worth discussing in some later show: which way of life is better: wait until you find the right person (and maybe never find them), or get someone who is good enough (but maybe not perfect for you)?  Since a lot of excuses boil down to one person finding someone else they think they’re in love with, which could be true, maybe we should figure out why and how to avoid this. 

讨论到这里，貌似还有一个很重要的问题没说，或许我们可以在今后的节目里聊聊：你会一直等到你的真爱出现（这个人也许永远不会出现），还是找个还不错的人过日子（这个人或许没那么完美）？很多人出轨的理由都是虽然已经身在一段稳定的关系中，却猛然发现疑似真爱的第三人出现了。这很有可能是真的，或许我们应该试着了解这是为什么，以及如何才能避免这种情况。

Ok, back to the question: how to deal with people cheating? If you are a couple of crazies who are just all about the passion of love, and then one person cheats, it’s possible that you will both act like crazy weirdos. I knew some people who would break everything they owned when they found out about being cheated on, and still couldn’t stop quarreling at their kids’ wedding 10 years after their divorce. 

好了，回到原来那个问题，人们怎么处理另一半出轨？好吧，如果你们俩都很疯狂，追求充满激情的恋爱，那么一旦一方出轨，很有可能你们俩都会变成歇斯底里的疯子。我知道有些人在发现伴侣出轨后，会各种打、砸、摔来发泄。甚至离婚后还一直含着怨恨的心，哪怕过了十年，在孩子的婚礼上都还能继续吵架。

Other people will split mostly peacefully. If they have common property, they may hire a lawyer to split it. And US lawyers are very, very expensive. So cheating and divorce is not a very economical way of life; the only winner there is the lawyer. 

有些人会和平分手。如果有共同财产，他们可能会雇律师来处理。美国的律师是相当贵的，所以出轨和离婚是一种非常不经济实惠的生活方式，这种情况下，唯一的人生赢家是律师。

But some people would stay together because of kids, so Anchor Babies are totally a thing in the US.  I think you might have a similar concept in China: the baby is the thing that keeps the family from falling apart, like how an anchor keeps a ship from drifting away. It’s not good, but people will use kids as an excuse to stay together, which can lead to a more awful and torturous relationship, because now you hate each other and can’t leave. 

也有一些人会因为孩子选择继续在一起，所以确实存在靠孩子维系婚姻的情况。可能在中国也有类似的概念：孩子就像一个锚，勉强让这个家不散掉。生孩子的意义就好比抛锚，是不让船漂走的唯一力量。这很不好，却依然有很多人会这么做。这很有可能导致一个相当痛苦无奈的关系，因为你们彼此讨厌，却又不能分开。

Other excuses that people use to stay together are that they believe marriage is sacred, or they think that they can work through it, or they actually still love each other. This is especially true for very Christian people, since the Bible says that god doesn’t approve of divorce… It’s not like God is in favor of cheaters, you know, because the Bible also says that god doesn’t approve of cheating in the first place, so maybe they should have thought things through a little more thoroughly. 

还有其他一些理由让人们选择不分开。比如婚姻是神圣的（所以不能离婚），或者他们认为自己能够克服出轨造成的伤害，彼此还爱着对方等等。尤其是对于一些基督徒来说，因为圣经里上帝说不允许离婚……但是这并不是说上帝支持出轨的人，因为圣经也说了上帝首先就不允许出轨，所以这些人做事之前真应该多考虑一下。

If a famous person has affairs outside of marriage, what would people’s thoughts be about it? Is there a difference between male and female cheating in the public’s reaction?

如果一个名人有婚外情被发现了，吃瓜群众会怎么看？大众对于出轨男的态度有别于出轨女吗？

I think the US is very judgmental about other people’s sex lives, in general. And there’s a prevailing idea that marriage and exclusivity is still a good thing. So when people do cheat, especially when public people cheat, they get judged very harshly. 

我觉得美国人还挺喜欢评判别人的X生活的。大部分人会觉得（忠诚的）婚姻或者忠于一个伴侣的恋爱是一件好事。所以如果有人出轨，尤其是公众人物出轨，他们真的会被吃瓜群众骂死。

And there is a difference between male and female cheating in public opinion, because sexism is still a thing. In the ideal world, in the American mind, they would be treated exactly the same. But men still get off easier than women. Just like sexually men are more free than women are. But compared to a lot of places, the social punishments for cheating are still fairly close. And if you cheat, regardless of your sex, you’ll still get in trouble. We look down on cheaters in general. 

因为性别歧视依然存在，人们对于出轨男和出轨女的评价还是有些差异的。虽然在理想的情况下，美国社会应该保证男女平等，但现实是出轨男依然更加容易摆脱人们的指责，因为生理构造决定了男性在这方面比女性更加自由。但是不管怎样，如果你出轨了，无论是男是女，都会有麻烦的。我们普遍鄙视出轨的人。

But for famous people, I think it’s fairly regardless of their gender.  If the man cheats, we treat that pretty much the same as if a woman cheats. I think we are happy when people split up because if one of them cheated, we feel like the person who didn’t cheat would be getting a bad deal if they stayed with them. 

但是对于名人来说，（人们对于出轨的评判）几乎男女平等，男人出轨了被骂的和女人差不多。我觉得吃瓜群众普遍支持被劈腿的一方分手，如果另一半都劈腿了你还继续跟TA在一起，那也太吃亏、太包子了。

So if you look at someone like Hillary and Bill Clinton, obviously Bill got judged for sleeping around, but Hillary got judged pretty harshly too for staying with Bill. Although, because their relationship is more political than a lot of marriages, staying together might be more understandable on some level. But people say that he was treating her pretty poorly and she should have stood up for herself. In last year’s presidential election, Trump used this as one way to attack Hillary during the debates. And it is one of factors that made people, especially women, think less of her.   

拿克林顿两口子举例来说，Bill 因为婚内出轨、到处乱搞被骂惨了，但是希拉里因为没和他离婚，下场也没好到哪儿去。虽然大家心里或多或少都懂，他们俩就是政治婚姻，不离婚也能理解，但是吃瓜群众依然会说，Bill 就是个大人渣，这样对希拉里，她居然还不离婚！她应该勇敢站出来，为自己讨回公道呀！实际上在去年的大选中，川普在辩论里就用了这一条来攻击希拉里。而且这一条确实让她失去了不少人的支持，特别是女性。

Conversely with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, since he was fooling around on the side, the public was happy that she left him, because she doesn’t need to put up with that crap. She is a powerful woman and she shouldn’t settle for less than she deserves, or what she thinks she deserves. 

和这一对相反的就是布拉德·皮特和安吉丽娜·朱莉，皮特也是爱乱搞，所以大家都为安吉丽娜和他离婚点赞。因为作为一个独立强大的女性，她没必要忍受这些烂事，也不需要为不值得的人浪费精力。

Angelina has been on both sides: the one who broke someone else’s family and the one whose family was broken up.  Way back in the old days, when Brad cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina, I think that’s where Angelina got her reputation as a home breaker. She got judged harshly for breaking their marriage, but then more recently she was judge positively for ending her own marriage when it turned out that Brad was just a serial cheater. 

朱莉也是啥都做过：曾经破坏别人家庭的小三，和如今被小三破坏了家庭的正室。很多年以前，皮特还和珍妮弗·安妮斯顿在一起的时候，朱莉就破坏了别人家庭，承担了小三的骂名。她因此被骂了好多年，最近几年才好点了，尤其是这次她选择离婚洗白了不少，皮特也因此被证明是个出轨惯犯。

But there was also news that said that Angelina may have cheated on Brad too. Who knows which one is true! 

不过也有一些八卦说朱莉其实也婚内出轨了，贵圈太乱，真真假假谁明了~

We’ve got the saying ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’ So cheating follows you in life, particularly if you are a celebrity because people all know you, and they will continue to judge you for that. I think Angelina had a tough time getting over that. And even all of these years later, some people will laugh at her pain and say, ‘ha, that bitch finally got what she deserved. Brad cheated on her too.’ You can always find comments like that online.  

有种说法叫“一次出轨，终生渣男”。出轨的名声会一直跟随你，尤其对于名人来说，大家都认识你，一旦你牵扯到出轨这种事情里，大家会一直骂你。朱莉就费了好长时间，艰难地洗白，即便这么多年过去了，还是有一些人拿之前的事情对她冷嘲热讽，比如说：“那个贱三终于得到报应了，皮特和她在一起也出轨了，hhhhhh”，在网上可以找到很多这样的评论。

网友评论

👇

@ Leo D: 

邪恶的女人。一个破坏别人家庭的小三永远是惯三。

Some people think that only dudes cheat, but that’s also not the case.  Kristen Stewart, the main actress in the movie Twilight, was a celebrity example of the female in a relationship cheating. She was dating Robert Pattinson and cheated with her married director. And of course she got judged harshly back then and she even came out to apologize for it publicly. But the guy she cheated with got hit harder, because he was already married and had kids.

有的人认为只有男人才会出轨，这也不对。比如“暮光女”克里斯汀·斯图尔特，就是一个出轨女明星的例子。她本来是罗伯特·帕丁森（《暮光之城》男主）的女朋友，结果出轨已婚导演。当时她被骂得很惨，还出来公开道歉了。但是那个已婚导演被骂得更惨，因为他已经结婚了而且有孩子。

Unlike Angelina, she found a bit more forgiveness, because she apologized and stopped seeing the guy. A lot of people even felt sorry for her later, thinking that she was young and naive back then, and it was understandable to make some mistakes, and she tried her best to own her actions and try to fix her mistakes. 

和安吉丽娜不同，她获得了相对多一些的原谅，因为她道歉了，也没有再和那个已婚男纠缠下去。很多人后来甚至还同情她，觉得她毕竟还年轻，难免天真，犯一些错误也是可以理解的，而且她尽力去承担了自己行为带来的后果，努力改正自己的错误。

So in general, regardless of gender, our public punishment will be harder for people cheating inside marriage and home wreckers. The victims of cheating are encouraged to divorce. For the unmarried ones who didn’t break up a family, if they are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix it, the public will tend to forgive, if they don’t make the same mistake again. 

所以普遍来说，不论男女，吃瓜群众对于已婚出轨的一方和破坏了别人家庭的小三批判得更为严重。大家支持受害方离婚，对于本来单身、并且没有真正破坏别人家庭的小三，如果他们愿意承认自己的错误，并且以后没有再犯，大家还是会倾向于原谅的。

The gender difference is more prominent in real life. The same as any male dominant culture: a female family breaker may be judged more than a male one; the married female cheater is worse than the male in most peoples’ minds; divorce is less encouraged for a female victim; people tend to judge female home wreckers more harshly than the married male she was cheating with. But I’d like to think that the difference is getting smaller as time goes on, and you can probably only find it in some conservative areas now. Feminism has helped to make a lot progress on this in my country.   

性别的差异对于普通人来说更为明显，这和其他所有男性占主导的社会是一样的：女小三相对于男小三被骂得更惨；大部分人认为婚内出轨的女性比男性更恶劣；比起老婆出轨的男人，大家会不那么鼓励老公出轨的女人离婚；对比女小三和出轨渣男，大家骂女小三骂得更严重。但是我觉得这种差异随着时间会变得越来越小，现在可能只有一些保守地区才能感觉到这些差异。女权主义帮助我们在这一点上取得了很大进步。

So I mean it’s complicated. But overall, I think we like people who don’t stay in their relationships after they get cheated on. And we hate cheating, especially cheating in marriage, and cheating is a great way to earn a bad reputation that follows you for the rest of your life.

所以尽管有些复杂，但总体来说，我们更认同被出轨的一方勇敢分手，而且我们讨厌出轨的人，尤其是婚内出轨，出轨是一个能跟随你终身的污点。

In closing, I’d like to ask all of you a question: where would you draw the line for cheating?  Would you forgive your partner for emotional cheating? How about a one night stand?  What if they had a long-term friend with benefits（Cannon Friend in your words）on the side?  Why?

最后，我想问小伙伴们的一个问题：对于出轨，你的容忍底线在哪里？你会原谅伴侣精神出轨吗？可以接受他/她一夜情吗？可以接受他/她有一个长期炮友吗？

Let us know your thoughts by discussing with us in the commenting area. 

欢迎大家在评论区留言分享你们的想法~