没有谁能肯定地说，
300
多字的稿子就一定会比
600
字的文章信息少，内容弱。比较关键的是怎么写，而最关键的乃是怎么改。
在这篇文章里，我将用实例说明，一段话，砍掉
10
个单词，意思会更清楚；一段话，用一个长句子，改成两句话，用词更少了，而文意更鲜明
——
母语不是英语的中国人写出的英文，总会有可以提高的余地，尽管写作者已有N年敲键盘的经验。
中国古人提倡的“
句无可删，字无可削
”同样是学习英文写作的人的一个美好追求。
此外，这篇文章还讨论了直接引语和引用外电需要注意的事项，以及诸如
back
,
flout
,
upset
这些“小词”的用法。
今天讨论的这篇不足
400
字的文章，选自《
中国日报
》
12
月
5
日头版。话说
2016
年
12
月
2
日，美国当选总统特朗普与台湾蔡英文通电话引来国内外舆论的广泛关注。
这天当地时间是周五，北京时间是星期六。
《
中国日报
》
周一（
12
月
5
日）见报的头版头条，报道的正是这件事。
这是截图：
这篇报道全文只有
368
个单词。无需多言，请看作者怎么写，外籍编，怎么改，顺便看看我的几句点评。
（还是有些经验之谈在里面吖
）
依照惯例，先发一个“花脸”版，也就是带修改痕迹的版本：
接下来是
修改对比与点评
，不当之处也请您批评指正，或直接留言讨论。
Trump talk with Tsai sparks row
1
原稿
US president-elect Donald Trump has caused a major diplomatic incident with China by talking over telephone with Taiwan leader Tsai Ing-wen, but the phone call itself would have “very limited influence” and one-China policy will continue, analysts in Washington and Beijing said over the weekend.
修改
US president-elect Donald Trump has caused an unexpected diplomatic incident with China by taking a phone call from Taiwan leader Tsai Ing-wen, but the call itself is expected to have "very limited influence" and is not expected to affect the one-China policy, analysts in Washington and Beijing said over the weekend.
点评
（1）a major diplomatic incident改为an unexpected diplomatic incident更突出了“通话事件”的突然性。
（2）将原稿的talking over telephone with…改为taking a phone call from更准确，点明了打电话与接电话的人。
（3）注意would改成了is expected to; one-China policy will continue改为 is not expected to affect the one-China policy，修改后的语气较原文更精准。
（4）通常新闻报道第一段lead字数不要超过45个单词，但有时要言不烦，会有突破。
2
原文
On Friday, after Trump received a telephone call from Tsai, the White House reaffirmed backing for its long-standing support of the one-China policy and the three China-US joint communiqués, the documents issued between 1972 and 1982 that guide the development of China-US relations.
修改
On Friday, after Trump took the call, the White House reaffirmed its long-standing support for the one-China policy and the three China-US joint communiqués, issued between 1972 and 1982, that guide China-US relations.
点评
（1）这一段修改后的文字比原文少了10个单词，但意思更清楚。对于中美三个联合公告的简要解释十分必要。
（2）received a telephone call from Tsai改为took the call，字数少了一半，take比receive动作感更强。
（3）support和backing的区别。support更普通一些，back做支持讲，定义是：to support sb or sth, especially by giving them money or using your influence; 因此，名词backing的意思是support or help, especially with money。
3
原文
China’s Foreign Minister Wang Yi called Tsai’s call with Trump “a little trick” by Taiwan which would not change the one-China consensus in international community. Beijing also lodged “solemn representation” with Washington, urging it to honor its commitment to the one-China policy.
修改
Foreign Minister Wang Yi called Tsai's call to Trump "a little trick" by Taiwan which would not change the international one-China consensus. Beijing also lodged a "solemn representation" with Washington, urging it to honor its commitments.
点评
（1）China’s Foreign Minister这里China’s不用写，不会混淆；不必要写的词一定要省掉。
（2）the one-China consensus in international community不如the international one-China consensus来得直接。
（3）第二段已讲华盛顿重申其支持一个中国政策以及中美三个联合公告的立场，所以这里改为“urging it to honor its commitments”，commitments用复数，不仅仅是对one-China policy的一个commitment。
4
原文
“Trump has caused a major diplomatic incident with China,” said Jon Taylor, professor of political science and a Chinese specialist at the University of St Thomas in Houston.
修改
"Trump has caused a major diplomatic incident with China," said Jon Taylor, professor of political science and a China specialist at the University of St Thomas in Houston.
点评
（1）新闻中的引语十分重要，要做到准确，完整，不可断章取义；同时需要点明说话者的权威性，最好还说清与所报道事件的相关性，以便回答读者一个可能的质疑：为什么记者要引用此人的话而不是他人的话。所以，这里点明了Jon Taylor的政治科学教授的身份，同时点明他是中国问题专家，而不仅仅是一位大学教授。
（2）中国专家的正确表达方式是China specialist，而不是Chinese specialist（有歧义）。
5
原文
The professor said Trump had upset a consensus that has been in place for decades. “I sincerely hope that this does not signal the beginning of a significant shift in US-China relations.”
修改
Taylor said Trump had upset a consensus in place for decades. "I sincerely hope that this does not signal the beginning of a significant shift in US-China relations."
点评
（1）upset是一个很好的“小词”，定义是：to change a plan or situation in a way that causes problems. 习惯用法有：upset the balance of …, upset the apple cart是非正式用法，意思是to completely spoil one’s plans。
（2）a consensus that has been in place for decades改成了a consensus in place for decades用词更经济。
6
原文
For damage control, Trump will have to reassure Beijing, either publicly or privately, that he will not change America's long-standing one-China policy and that US-Taiwan relations will remain unofficial, said Zhiqun Zhu, a professor of political science and international relations at Bucknell University in Pennsylvania.
修改
For damage control, Trump needs to reassure Beijing, publicly or privately, that he will not change America's long-standing policy and that US-Taiwan relations will stay unofficial, said Zhiqun Zhu, a professor of political science and international relations at Bucknell University in Pennsylvania.
点评
（1）will have to改为了needs to，语气不一样；
（2）either publicly or privately修改后去掉了either…or，而意义不变。
7
原文
The call was the starkest example yet of how Trump has flouted diplomatic conventions since he won the Nov 8 election, the Associated Press reported on Saturday.
修改
The call was the starkest example yet of how Trump has flouted diplomatic conventions since he won the Nov 8 election, experts told the Associated Press.
点评
（1）flout是一个很有用的“小词”，意思是：to deliberately disobey a law, rule, etc, without trying to hide what you are doing. 注意不要与flaunt（炫耀）混淆。
（2）修改后experts told the Associated Press漏掉了on Saturday，是美中不足。
8
原文
“President-elect Trump is just shooting from the hip, trying to take phone calls of congratulatory messages from leaders around the world without consideration for the implications,” the AP cited Bonnie Glaser, senior adviser for Asia at the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, as saying."
修改
“President-elect Trump is just shooting from the hip, trying to take phone calls of congratulatory messages from leaders around the world without consideration for the implications," said Bonnie Glaser, senior adviser for Asia at the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, the AP reported.
点评
（1）上文已提到the Associated Press，所以这里只用the AP。
（2）原文the AP cited Bonnie Glaser之后，一直到as saying中间隔了14个单词，一口气读不完，不妥。修改后，said Bonnie Glaser， …… the AP reported.显得从容不迫。
（3）关于稿件引用外电的提示：一定要注明出处和时间，注意引语的完整性，不可采取狭义的“拿来主义”为我所用。
9
原文
Such a phone call is a result of both Trump’s lack of experience in diplomacy as well as the fact that he has not finished choosing members for his foreign policy team, while most of the members he has chosen are right-winged and anti-China, according to Jin Canrong, a professor of international relations at Renmin University of China.
修改
The call is a result of both Trump's lack of experience in diplomacy as well as his not having finished choosing his foreign policy team. Still, most of those he has chosen are right-wing and anti-China, said Jin Canrong, a professor of international relations at Renmin University of China.
点评
原文一句话58个词，被改为两句话，49个单词。修改后的文字达到了“句无可删,字无可削”的境地。
10
原文
“The phone call itself has very limited influence,” Jin said on Sunday. “It is highly likely that Trump, after he takes office, will continue the one-China policy that the US government has been adhering to over many years.”
修改
But Jin added, "It is highly likely that Trump, after he takes office, will continue the one-China policy that the US government has been adhering to over many years."
点评
因版面空间所限，修改后的版本去掉了“The phone call itself has very limited influence,” Jin said on Sunday.其实，这是呼应本文第一段的引语（very limited influence），并点明了采访的时间（on Sunday），不应该删掉。
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