各位周末好，这里是写作专栏的第十八期，关于专栏的介绍可见
怎样写一篇作文？
修改是写作练习中一个很重要的部分，我们可以在这个过程中发现自己的问题并改正，确保下一次不会再犯相同的错误。修改的时候可以从内容和语言两方面入手。
内容方面要注意的地方有：
1. 作文题目有什么要求？作文的内容是否回应了所有的要求？
2. 是否有与主题无关，应该删去的内容？举个例子：
Nuclear power is the best solution to our ever-increasing energy needs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
这道题目是问核能是否是解决能源需求的最好方案，那么作文内容应该围绕这一点展开，而不能谈为什么要节约能源，怎样节约能源，节约能源有什么好处。
3. 论述是否合乎逻辑？是否缺少某些环节？
经常有同学反映自己写完作文后看不出自己的论述是否存在逻辑问题。造成这种情况的原因一般是读者对英文还不够敏感。这里有个很简单的解决办法：
将自己写的东西翻译成中文，然后检查中文的逻辑
。在中文语境下如果文章存在逻辑问题我们一般能很容易发现。除此之外，我们还可以学习一些逻辑学的知识，关于这一点可以参考文章：
荐书 | 为什么你需要学点逻辑？
语言方面需要注意的地方有：
1. 有无选用与文章的文体风格不相适应的词（比如在学术写作中使用lots of / sort of / kind of 这样的非正式用词）？
2. 有没有出现中式表达，比如“学习知识”写成learn knowledge（正确说法应该是gain/acquire knowledge）？
3. 有没有遵循词组的固定搭配（比如“机会均等”应该是equality of opportunity，而不是equality of opportunities）？
4. 单复数、时态和冠词等语法知识点有没有出现错误？
5. 拼写和标点有没有问题？
每次写完作文后按照这几点原则去检查，这样能够得到比较客观的修改结果。如果有条件还可以请其他人帮忙修改，这样能够发现一些自己没注意到的问题。
今天要分析的作文题目是：
Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?
这是读者投稿的原始作文版本：
习作/C
Traffic jams, noise pollution and air pollution caused by growing numbers of cars on road are becoming severer and severer in recent years, which has caused great concern among environmentalists. Some of them argue that the best solution to problems of growing traffic and pollution is increasing petrol price. But in fact, it will not solve these problems in the long term.
Twenty years ago, only a few rich people drove cars, but today more and more families have private cars thanks to economic development. If the government increases the price of petrol, the rich can still afford using cars, but the poor may lose the right to drive cars because of the high price of petrol. It is not fair and shows no respect to most people’s hard work. Admittedly, vehicles cause pollution problems, but factories which use coal produce more pollution. It is not realistic to increase both the prices of petrol and coal.
Therefore, the government should seek other measures to solve these problems. Firstly, the government should plan and build the roads more reasonably to reduce traffic congestion. Innovations in car industry should be encouraged and supported to create new types of cars which can use fossil fuels more effectively and produce less pollution. In this respect, Tesla, is setting a good example. What’s more, clean energy should be put into use to reduce pollution problems.
Overall, there are many other measures to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. We should do a bit more thinking and create more rational and effective solutions instead of simply increasing the price of petrol.
这是点评版本：
Traffic jams, noise pollution and air pollution caused by growing numbers of cars on
the
road are becoming severer and severer in recent years, which has caused great concern among environmentalists. Some ofthem argue that the best solution to
problems of
growing traffic and pollution is
increasing
to
increase
petrol price
s
. But in fact, it will not solve these problems in the long term.
Twenty years ago, only
a few rich people
a rich few
drove cars, but today more and more families have private cars
,
thanks to economic development. If the government increases the price of petrol, the rich can still afford using cars, but the poor may lose the right to drive cars because of the high price of petrol. It is not fair and shows no respect to most people’s hard work. Admittedly, vehicles cause pollution problems, but factories which use coal produce more pollution.
It is not realistic to increase both the prices of petrol and coal
.
(?)
Therefore, the government should seek other measures to solve these problems. Firstly, the government should plan and build
the
roads more reasonably to reduce traffic congestion. Innovations in
the
car industry should be encouraged
and supported
to create new types of cars which can use fossil fuels more effectively and produce less pollution. In this respect, Tesla,
an electric car manufacturer
, is setting a good example.
What’s
What is
more, clean energy should be put into use to reduce pollution problems.
Overall, there are many other measures to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. We should do a bit more thinking and create more rational and effective solutions instead of simply increasing the price of petrol.
思路分析：
Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?
这是一道很经典的环境与交通类题目，作文需要回应两个问题：提升汽油价格是否是解决交通拥挤和污染的最佳手段？有没有其他办法？
对于问题一，从现实角度出发，提升油价并非是解决交通拥挤和污染的最佳方案。因为它不够公平，同时也不够有效。目前交通拥挤和交通污染主要发生在城市，而对于城市居民来说，提升油价对于他们开车出行的阻碍是有限的，因为他们出行的距离通常很短，提升油价导致的开车成本上升并不大。而对于住在农村和郊区的司机来说，提升油价对他们产生的影响会比较大，因为他们的出行距离比较长。但实际上，农村和郊区的司机并不是导致拥挤和污染的主要原因。因此，提升汽油价格并不合理。
对于问题二，解决交通和污染的方案有非常多，最经典的方法是发展公共交通，修建更多的公交路线以及地铁站，吸引城市居民使用公共交通，减少私家车的使用。另外一种方法是发展清洁能源，比如更加清洁的燃料，以及电动汽车。这样能够有效减少污染。
下面是我写的一个版本：
习作/魏剑峰
Cities around the world are struggling to deal with increased levels of congestion and pollution. Some argue that raising the price of petrol offers the best solution to these problems. This essay will analyze the merits of this proposal and suggest alternatives.
At first glance increasing petrol prices seems able to discourage people from using their cars, thus reducing traffic and pollution. However, upon further reflection one would find that such measure is problematic. City drivers contribute disproportionally to traffic and pollution problems in urban areas, yet they are the least affected by the rise of petrol prices as they tend to only make short journeys. In fact, it is rural drivers who have to travel long distances that will suffer the most, although they make little contribution to traffic jams and air pollution in the city. All of these make raising petrol prices across the board at best unfair, at worst futile.
A more positive way to combat these problems would be to improve infrastructure and develop green technologies. Opening more bus routes and building more underground stations could provide an affordable and efficient public transport network, thereby tempting city dwellers out of their cars. This helps to reduce road traffic and consequently cut car emissions. The problem of pollution could also be tackled by giving financial incentives to manufacturers of green vehicles, such as electric cars, which have the advantage of zero emission, and the widespread use of them could reduce air pollution.
Overall, increasing the price of petrol is by no means the best solution to traffic and pollution problems. Improving infrastructure and developing clean technologies would be a more effective way of addressing this issue.
本专栏下期要分析的作文题目是：
Some people think giving aid to poorer countries brings more negatives than positives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
感兴趣的同学可以先思考如何写，然后对照下期的思路分析。建议有空的同学自己动笔写一篇。
本作文专栏长期接受读者投稿，感兴趣的同学可以将习作发到我的邮箱 [email protected]，部分习作有机会得到点评。
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