听老外谈谈父母与子女的关系：痛并快乐的独立人生丨CD电台

中国日报双语新闻 · 公众号 · 国际 · 2016-12-18 12:01

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本文转自念念英文（echo_eng），已获授权

今天我们要聊的话题可能是东西方文化差异最为明显的方面之一 —— 父母和成年子女的关系。

大家可能都听说过，不同于我们东亚地区的社会，以大家庭或者集体为核心；美国乃至大部分西方国家的社会，都崇尚个人主义，强调每个人独立性。

有一个很具代表性的一个例子是：一个中国人得了奥运会冠军，那必须得感谢父母，最好还要感谢国家，不然多半会被骂吧。但是如果一个美国人得了金牌，他不一定要感谢父母，没有人会要求他这么做，西方的世界里似乎也没有“不孝”这个概念。

那么在这样的一个社会里，父母在成年子女生活里到底是个什么样的存在？家中老人会帮忙照顾孙子吗？子女有赡养父母的义务吗？本期节目就请大卫哥来聊一聊他对这些问题的看法吧~

- Q1 -

There are rumors that parents in the US will “kick the children out” once they turn 18 and stop providing for them financially. Is this true? Will they let you make your own life decisions after you turn 18?
传说美国人满了十八岁，就会被爹妈赶出家门，让他们靠自己独立生存，这是真滴吗？这是不是也意味着父母会彻底放手，让孩子自己做重大的人生决定？

Sort of, but probably not how you're imagining it. I think there is a big push by American parents for their children to become independent at 18. But it is not like they hate their children or they don’t ever want to see their children again. It’s more that they want their children to go out and succeed once they get to college age.
有那么点儿意思，但不全是你们想象的那样。美国家长的确是会督促子女在十八岁时独立，但这并不代表他们从此就不爱子女，或者再也不想见到他们了。他们更多地是盼望小孩能独自出去闯荡，走上人生巅峰。

Ideally, we are supposed to move out, rent our own apartment and find a job to support ourselves. If we decide to go to college, we are expected to pay the tuition ourselves, either by doing a part-time job, or getting some financial aids such as scholarships. In theory, after graduating from college, we can find a better job, so that at some point, we can buy our own house, have dogs running in the yard and make all the babies. I think that’s how most parents define succeeding. And, if their children aren’t succeeding and aren’t able to provide for themselves, that is kind of a failure on the parents part.
理想情况下，（18岁后）我们应该搬出父母家，租一个公寓，找一份工作来养活自己。如果我们决定要读大学，那么就得自己想办法解决学费。要么靠兼职挣钱，要么寻求一些财政帮助，比如申请奖学金。理论上说，大学毕业以后我们就能找到一份好一点的工作，在合适的时候买一套属于自己的房子，在院子里养条狗，生一堆小孩。我觉得这是大部分父母对于小孩成功的定义。如果他们的小孩不能独立养活自己，这意味着家庭教育的失败。

But also, especially recently in my generation, it’s more and more common for people to live at home while they are in college because it’s cheaper, and you don’t pay rent at home. And even sometimes to move back in after college because the economy is so bad, kind of everywhere. But that is a new thing. It’s more a relic of our economic situation than it is about America in general.
但是最近几年，尤其是我这一代人，越来越多的人选择上大学后住家里，因为可以省房租，甚至出现了（一些从家里搬出去的大学生）毕业后又搬回去的情况。因为现在每个地方的经济都很糟糕（大学毕业生找不到合适的工作）。这是一种新的现象，不是美国文化本身是这样，而是社会经济不景气导致的遗留问题。

And about whether they let us make our own decisions, yes, most parents, tend not to meddle with children’s lives when they are adults. Actually I think we are encouraged to make our own decision even before 18. Parents would rather only give advice. The ability to think independently is a thing we are always encouraged to have, at least after we were able to go to school. This might be a little different from what I have heard in China.
至于爹妈会不会放手让我们自己做决定，会的。大部分家长在儿女成年后，都倾向于不再干涉他们的生活。事实上，我们从小就被鼓励要自己做决定，父母更愿意以给建议的方式引导。最晚在上学后，我们就开始被培养独立思考的能力，这可能和我听到的在中国的情况有一点差别。

For example, my niece, who is only 5, was asked what she wanted to do in the future and she said she wanted to open an ice cream store. Instead of directly making comments about this idea, her parents just helped her figure out what she needed to have or what might happened if she ended up doing that. And they still let her make the decisions. However, I have heard similar stories from my Chinese friends, and it seems like their parents would more likely try to tell them yes or no, or what they should do instead. But of course no matter what method they use, all the parents want the best for their kids.
举个例子，有人问我五岁的侄女以后想干嘛，她说她想开个冰激凌店。她爸妈对此没有发表任何意见，只是帮她想她开店需要什么，或者客观分析开店后可能遇到什么问题，依然让她自己做决定到底要不要开。我也从我的中国朋友那里听到类似的故事，但貌似他们的父母会直接告诉他们这个行或者不行，可能还会告诉他们应该做什么才对。当然天下所有的父母都是为了孩子好，不管他们用的什么方式。

- Q2 -

If children should be independent after 18, before they have a chance to get a real job, how do they pay for college? What about other life expenses?
如果子女18岁以后都应该独立生活了，那么在找到工作之前，他们该怎么负担他们上大学的花销？其他生活的费用呢？

If they go to college, they can get loans for tuition and basic living expenses from the bank, but then they end up owing the bank a lot of money, and it’s actually a big problem right now. People are trying to figure out what to do about that because the current generation of American college graduates have more debt than any generation has ever had. Some parents do help pay part of tuition or pay the whole thing. So it’s not that 100% of Americans don’t get any help from their parents.
如果要上大学的话，他们可以从银行贷款，从而解决学费和基本生活费用。所以他们最后会欠银行很多钱，这实际上是我们现在面临的一个问题。人们都在想应该怎么解决这个问题，因为当前这一代的美国大学毕业生，比任何一代欠债都多。但是并不是所有的美国学生都不会得到他们父母的资助，还是有一些父母会根据自己情况，帮忙付全部或者部分的学费。

If they decide to go to graduate school, there will be relatively more financial aid options, especially for PhD students. Most of them will have the option of getting hired as teaching assistant or research associate, so that their education and basic living is covered by school or grants. There is also financial aid that is available through school and through the government. So there are some non-bank ways to get money to pay for that.
如果决定要读研究生的话，他们能得到更多的财政补助。特别是博士生，会有机会得到学校提供的助研或者助教岗位，如此一来，他们的学费和基本生活费就可以通过学校或科研基金解决。学校和政府还会提供其他的奖助学金来帮助学生。所以除了向银行贷款，还是有一些别的解决办法。

However, if they don’t go to college, they can just start working after high school. Those jobs are usually low paying and are paid hourly instead of being salaried, since they don’t have too many education or experience requirements. People can survive on low wage jobs if need be, and hopefully move up to better pay by doing well at their job. It can be pretty tough for working class people, though. But I think this is true for anywhere in the world, it’s hard to be working class.
如果他们不上大学，也可以在高中毕业后直接参加工作，但通常就只能找那种对学历或工作经验没啥要求的工作。这种工作一般来说时薪都比较低、收入不太固定。低收入工作在必要的时候能够让人生存下去，工作做好了，也许能多赚一点。但是他们的生活会很困难，不过我觉得世界上所有地方的工人生活都很艰辛。

About other life expenses. It’s also all over the place. I worked in a coffee shop to pay for my living while in college, and a lot of people do similar part-time work. The universities usually have half-time positions for students who work in the book store, or as a grader in classes, or work for school organizations. I also know friends who were supported by their parents or siblings. Of course, you can always go to the bank and get yourself more debt.
解决其他生活花销也是各种方法都有。我读大学的时候是在一家咖啡店打工挣生活费，很多人也是这样做类似的兼职，学校也会提供一些兼职岗位，比如说书店营业员、负责帮老师批改作业的助学、或者学校机构的工作人员。我也认识一些人是靠他们的家人给生活费。当然，你随时都能回银行去借更多钱。

美国大学生负债累累？

统计数据表明，只有29%的美国父母会计划存钱给孩子付大学学费，超过半数的美国大学生靠奖学金和贷款活着。很多美国年轻人大学毕业后，工作好几年才能还完学生贷款，那还是一直顺利不失业的情况下。相比之下，我们是不是幸福很多呢？

说一说美国的Working Class - 工人阶级

按照马克思主义对于工人阶级的定义，所有靠劳动或者技术吃饭的人，都是工人阶级。但是，在美国，非严格学术交流的情况下，人们提到working class，实际上主要是指按照小时领工资的那些低收入工作者。维基百科对此有一个不太严格的定义，不需要读大学就能做的工作，像一些工厂的工人、餐厅服务员、大多数清洁工等都属于working class的范围。

- Q3 -

Are young people in the US expected to care for their parents when they get old? How strong are family bonds after kids come to adulthood?
照顾年迈父母是美国年轻人的义务吗？子女成年后，与原生家庭的关系有多紧密？

In general, I will say that kids are not expected to care for parents when they get old. I guess that’s kind of the trade-off, parents don’t tend to care for kids after they are 18 or so, and kids aren’t expected to care for parents when they get older.
通常来说，子女没有照顾年迈父母的义务，我觉得这可能算是一种等价交换吧。父母在子女满18岁后就让他们彻底独立生活了，所以当他们年纪大了，子女也没有照顾父母的义务。

Sometimes the kids will be expected to decide on a nursing home, or a retirement community, when the parents get too old to care for themselves, or they might get a maid to look after them. But it’s not the children who are doing the caring for, usually, and it is typically the parents’ money or the inheritance that they get from their parents that they use to pay for those services. If there is none, then their kids will pay for it. Maybe the government will pay for some amount too? I am not completely sure because I am not there yet, but I’ll catch up with you later.
当父母年纪大了不能照顾自己的时候，有时候会让子女根据他们的身体情况，帮他们做决定是去护理院还是老年公寓，或者雇一个护工来家里照顾他们。但是子女一般不需要亲自照顾父母。父母会用自己的钱或者用从他们的父母那里继承来的遗产来支付这些照顾费用。如果都没钱，子女也会给。或许政府也会给点？我不确定，因为我还没到那一步，到时候再告诉你们。

As for family bonds, it not like parents and children don’t like each other, I think though it’s more like we are good friends, once we become adults. Like, I get along with my parents just fine; I see them a couple of times a year for a week or a long weekend. Whenever I see them, it’s good times, but it’s more like a good friendship than a lot of close-knit family-centered cultures that I have heard of.
子女成年后，并不是就和父母互相看不顺眼了，我觉得我们更像好朋友。我和我父母关系很好，一年见几次，每次待在一起一个星期或者一个长周末，见面的时候都很愉快。跟以家庭为中心的文化里那种很亲近的亲子关系相比，我们和父母的关系更像一种很好的友谊。

美国的养老院

nursing home & retirement community

美国的养老院分为两种，nursing home（护理院）和 retirement community（老年公寓）。护理院主要针对的是生活完全不能自理的老人，他们由专业的护理人员负责照顾。老年公寓是为那些能够基本自理的退休老人们提供的公寓，这个跟我们国内的养老院服务类似，是一个方便老年人生活的配套社区，里面会有家政人员负责照顾老人的基本生活，观察他们的身体状况，以便遇到突发状况可以及时送诊。

- Q4 -

In China, grandparents play a major part in raising grandchildren. Is there a similar phenomenon in the US?
在中国，小朋友一般都是家里老人带大的，美国也有类似现象吗？

Not really. Parents like raising their own children here. They cherish the experience of taking care of their own babies, and don’t want to miss out on any important moments. That’s why they have kids, right? I have known a couple people who were raised by their grandparents. But that’s the exception and not the rule usually.
没有诶，在美国父母喜欢亲自带孩子。他们很珍惜照顾自己孩子的经历，不想错过孩子成长的重要时刻。不然他们为啥要生娃？我只知道很少几个人是由家里老人带大的，但那都是例外，不是一般的情况。

Grandparents like to be part of their grandchildren’s lives too. They like taking them for a day or maybe a weekend. But they like to be able to send them home also. I think grandparents, because they have already been parents, and have gone through the whole experience of raising children themselves already, once they are grandparents, they really just want to have the fun parts of the children without having all the hard parts of having them all the time.
爷爷奶奶也想要成为他们孙子生活里的一部分。他们喜欢带孙子们玩一天，或者一个周末，但是他们也希望能够把孙子送还给父母。因为他们在年轻的时候已经做过爹妈了，完全亲历过抚养小孩长大的一整套过程。当他们升级成爷爷奶奶的时候，他们只想偶尔享受天伦之乐，不想要那些琐碎磨人的部分。

So they like being around to see them grow up, see them turn into little thinking awesome people, but they just want to be able to play with them and spoil them with gifts on holidays, instead of having to deal with all of the diaper changing, and crying, and other not quite so fun parts of raising children. I have heard that some Chinese grandparents will come live with their children for years, in order to babysit the new born for them, which is less likely to happen here. Some grandparents, at most, are willing to come by and help for the first month, or pay a nanny to help.
所以他们喜欢在孙子的附近住着，看着他们渐渐长大。但他们也只是想能和孙子们玩耍、宠他们、过节买一堆礼物送给他们，而不想一直应付像换尿布、哭闹之类的不太愉快的部分。我听说有些中国的老人为了帮子女照顾新生儿，会来和他们住很长一段时间。在美国这种情况比较少。顶多会有一些老人愿意在最初的一个月来帮忙，或者出钱请个保姆。

If the new parents both have to work, they’ll probably send their kids to day care or hire a nanny. But I also know a handful of friends, whose parents, living nearby, are willing to help take care of their kids’ babies when they are at work. But that’s more like a big favor and not an obligation, and they still have a part-time nanny at the same time so they can switch off. The grandchildren will almost never live with anyone except their parents.
如果新手爸妈都要上班，他们会把小孩送托儿所，或者请保姆。但我也认识少数几个朋友的爹妈，就住在他们附近，愿意在他们上班的时候帮忙看小孩。但这只是帮忙，不是义务，而且他们也雇有兼职保姆来换班。小孩几乎不会和除了父母以外的任何人一起生活。

Unlike in some family-centered cultures, in which grandkids are the center of the whole group, kids here are just part of their grandparents’ lives. After retiring, people finally have the free time to do the things they enjoy, such as traveling, learning art and hanging out with old friends. They still love their offspring, but they are not the whole world to them.
不同于一些文化中，小孩是一个大家庭的中心，这里的小孩只是他们爷爷奶奶生活里的一部分。人们退休后，终于有自由支配的时间来做自己想做的事情，比如旅游、学艺术、和老朋友聚会。他们仍然爱他们的后代，但是那不是生活的全部。