【大西洋月刊】再多各自牛逼的时光，也比不上一起傻逼的岁月

生活如此繁忙，人们难以腾出时间经营友情，本文将提供一些方法，希望对你有所帮助。

“Friendships don’t just happen,” says William Rawlins, a professor of interpersonal communication at Ohio University. “They don’t drop from the sky.”

俄亥俄大学人际传播学的教授威廉·罗林斯说：“友情不是凭空发生，从天而降的。”

Like any relationship, friendships take effort and work. But they’re often the last to receive that effort after people expend their energy on work, family, and romance. And as I’ve written before, as time goes on, friendships often face more hurdle s to intimacy than other close relationships. As people hurtle toward the peak busyness of middle age, friends—who are usually a lower priority than partners, parents, and children—tend to fall by the wayside.

和其他人际关系一样，友情需要努力经营。但人们把所有的精力都投入到了工作、家庭和爱情中，往往无暇顾及朋友。我此前所写的文章中说过，随着年龄增长，相比于其他亲密关系，友情在双方的亲密程度上会面临更大的 考验 。人到中年， 疲于 奔命，为了顾及伴侣、父母、孩子，常常无法顾及到自己的朋友。

hurdle / ˈhəːd(ə)l / n. a problem or difficulty that you must deal with before you can achieve something障碍，困难。 例：Finding enough money for the project was the first hurdle.首先需要克服的困难是为该项目筹措足够的资金。

hurtle /ˈhɜ:tl; NAmE ˈhɜ:rtl/ v. to move very fast in a particular direction （向某个方向）飞驰，猛冲。 例：A runaway car came hurtling towards us.一辆失控的汽车朝我们飞驰而来。

译注：作者此前所写文章How Friendships Change in Adulthood 成年人的友情是什么样的？

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/

Our increasingly mobile world also strains friendship. In one study that longitudinally followed best-friend pairs, people moved 5.8 times on average, over 19 years. But it’s not just that people move frequently in the modern era—they also cover more ground than they ever have, historically. The epidemiologist David Bradley once looked at the “lifetime track” of four generations of his family. “Lifetime track” is a term zoologists use to describe the entire sum of an animal’s movements from birth to death. Bradley found that his great-grandfather’s entire life took place “in a square of only 40 kilometers.” His grandfather’s lifetime track was about 400 square kilometers; his father’s was about 4000 square kilometers, and his own extended all over the world, for a 40,000-kilometer square.

同时，这个高度流动性的社会也是维系友情的一个障碍。有一项研究 连续 十九年追踪数对挚友，结果表明年轻人平均会遭遇5.8次的生活变动（搬家、工作、升学）。现代人不仅流动频繁，而且也是历史上活动范围最大的一代。流行病学家大卫·布拉德利曾经研究他一家四代人的“生命轨迹”。“生命轨迹”这个术语被动物学家用来描述动物从出生到死亡一生的迁徙路径。布拉德利发现，他的曾祖父一生的生命轨迹大约是1600平方公里（40*40）；他的祖父的生命轨迹大概是400平方公里；他的父亲有4000平方公里，而他的足迹遍布世界各地，达16亿平方公里（40000*40000）。

译注：这个研究是由德克萨斯基督教大学传播学副教授 Andrew Ledbetter 组织的。Ledbetter 说：“我认为这正是我们这个移动化的、高度信息化的社会生活中的一部分，但我们并没有思考这种方式正如何危害着我们的社会生活构造。”我们对朋友并不像对我们的伴侣、工作伙伴或是家人那样存在义务。当我们要离开时，尽管会伤心，但我们始终会走。这就是友谊的一种内在紧张状态，Rawlins 称之为“有选择依赖的自由，也有保持独立的自由”。他认为真正苦乐参半的是，成年早期正式从将所有时间投入到友谊中开始的。友谊在帮助你认清你是谁、接下来会做什么的方面，具有充沛的而深刻的重要性。然而当成年早期结束的时候，你会发现你已经没有办法将时间分配给那些曾经帮助你做过决定的人了。

“Thus in four generations the range of linear traveling has increased by a factor of 1000 and the area within which movement takes place has increased by a factor of 1 million,” Bradley wrote. “The experienced described here is not atypical.” This was in 1989—one imagines that between then and 2017 the average roaming range of humans has only grown.

布拉德利写道：“由此来看，四代人走过的路程增加了1000倍，活动范围扩大了100万倍，这种现象十分普遍。”而这仅仅只是1989年的情况，试想一下从1989年到2017年这几十年间人类活动的范围又迅速增长了多少。

This matters because when people move, their families may come with them, but they leave their friends behind. And even though extended, remote social networks are more accessible than ever for anyone with an internet connection, proximity still makes a difference. Moving is associated with shallower relationships, and people who move frequently are more willing to dispose of their friends, perhaps because they get used to losing them.

关于人口流动的研究很有必要，因为当人们决定搬家时，可能会带着他们的家人一起走，而朋友则不行。尽管社交网络覆盖面如此之广，人们大可在网络上交流，但远距 离仍然是个问题。 流动性加强会导致人际关系淡薄，频繁搬家的人会更容易失去朋友，也许因为他们已经习惯了不断失去朋友的生活。

译注：研究表明，成年的友情主要被以下几个因素所影响：

成年初期，我们容易和更接近的人成为朋友。人们经常与大学室友、住得近的同事成为朋友。但当他们遭遇升学、毕业、就业、调职或是搬家等生活变动，友情就会受到极大的影响。

自我定型后，想要寻找与我们真正相似的人。随着年龄的增长，我们会越来越倾向于被与自己有类似态度和价值观的人所吸引。35 岁是一个关键的年龄节点，在此之后，成年男女更少愿意向朋友倾诉自己的想法。我们不太会像年少时那样轻易交友，而是会根据文化价值、社会规范和界限、社会经济因素、对方受教育的情况来把握自己择友的标准，并且试图寻找那些与自己在人格、兴趣和生活目标上真正相似的人。

朋友的存在方式发生变化。在 Rawlins 的调查中，那些进入成年中期的人们，更倾向于把友情定义为不是时时刻刻在一起，而是一种“知道 ta 在那里”的关系。可能很长时间不联系，但知道对方存在就好。而比起交到真正亲密的朋友，成年人会拥有更多“友好的熟人”（friendly acquaintances），比如工作伙伴、孩子同学的父母等等。

喜爱更稳固的关系。虽然我们都觉得朋友越来越少，但研究表明，我们长久拥有的友情反而更加稳固了。我们长大后会变得更理性，也会越来越懂得珍惜为数不多的朋友。所以一方面，我们对友情变得更宽容了，更会包容差异，其实是因为，我们对友情的期待发生了变化。另一方面，我们的友情变得也许更平淡，却更稳定。

At the same time, there’s been a growing interest in exploring the complex dynamics of friendship. As people get married later, and the ranks of single women rise, more and more books and television shows have been exploring friendship dynamics.

与此同时，人们也愈发想要探索友谊变化背后的复杂原因。随着婚龄推迟，单身女性的地位不断提升，探讨友谊变化的书籍和电视节目越来越多。

译注：与朋友的联系频率下降最明显的阶段是在结婚之后。这听起来挺讽刺的：在婚礼上，新郎新娘双方都邀请了各自的朋友们，所以这可能是与朋友们最后一场美妙而又戏剧性的聚会，随后他们就分道扬镳了。。随后，你的人生中会有太多不得不做的事情，每一次做决定的时候，推掉朋友的聚会都要比推掉下班接孩子回家、或者一次重要的商务旅行要容易的多。你会悲哀地发现，你已经没有时间去陪伴那些曾经陪你度过了所有重要时间点的人。

But even if someone wants to make friends a high priority in their life, unlike with romantic relationships, for friendships there are fewer cultural scrip ts to follow to do the work of befriending someone, or making a friendship closer.

虽然有人希望能提高友情的地位，但友情毕竟不像爱情，在交朋友或是经营友谊的过程中，人们并没有一套所谓的“文化脚本”来遵循。

译注：文化脚本：一套价值观念和准则它对跨文化交际研究有着积极的意义。

“The opportunities for friendship come with how people’s lives are organized,” Rawlins says. “When I talk to students, I say ‘Pay close attention to the habits you’re forming, because be fore you know it, you have organized your life in a way that doesn’t allow for the kind of friends that you would like to have.’”

罗林斯说：“只有当人们过好自己的生活，才能更好地经营友情。我让我的学生们密切关注自己养成的生活习惯，因为在不知不觉中，你的生活方式就已经和那些你希望结交的朋友背道而驰了。”

Ryan Hubbard, who lives in Adelaide, Australia and works in “design for social innovation,” started a research project called Kitestring to try to figure out how people organize their lives to prioritize friendship, and some of the more specific ways that friendships get deeper. Later, they hope to use what they learn to fuel some sort of business or nonprofit venture aimed at better facilitating friendships. Kitestring recently put out a report of its findings from around 20 in-depth interviews, and 50 smaller interviews. While it’s not an academic study by any means—their methodology was closer to what companies do for market research—they came up with several interesting insights.

来自澳大利亚阿德莱德市的瑞恩·哈伯德从事社会创新设计的工作，他发起了一项名为“风筝线”的研究项目。该项目旨在挖掘人们为了深化友情，会如何规划自己的生活，以及让友谊更加亲密的一些具体措施。他们希望能为那些旨在促进友情的盈利或非盈利公司提供研究成果。在进行了20次深入采访和50次小型采访后，该项目发布了一份研究成果报告。严格来说，这不是一个严谨的 学术研究 ，更像是市场调查，但他们还真从中得出了一些有趣的观点。

methodology /ˌmeθəˈdɒlədʒi / n. (formal)a set of methods and principles used to perform a particular activity （从事某一活动的）方法，原则

The first was that the more points of connection you have with someone, the stronger the friendship will be. “We think of friendship as a singular connection, but it’s a structure,” Hubbard says. A friend who you see in only one context—the office, for example—is likely to be a less close friend than someone who you see in many contexts, and connect with over many different things, rather than a single shared interest.

首先，你和某个人的交集越多，你们之间的友情就会越紧密。哈伯德说：“我们往往认为友情只是单一的连结，但其实友情是一个立体的结构”。比如，你和公司的朋友之间唯一的交集就是办公室。相比于这些和你只有某一共同利益的人，那些在很多不同的事情上和你有交集的人就更可能成为你的密友。

译注：什么样的成年友情能够存在更久？

我们还说着同一种语言。在一项纵向研究中，研究者曾根据朋友间猜词游戏的表现，成功预测了友情的未来亲密程度，发现默契度越高，他们未来的友情亲密度也就越好。随着年龄的增长，我们不再需要用频繁的联络来维系友情，但我们依然在寻找不需要太多解释就能够用同一种语言交流的人，你会发现，有的人即便两年没有见面，聊天时也会觉得很舒服。

进行深度的互动。如今，互联网让我们拥有更多的交流方式，除非故意，我们已经不太可能会真的和某人失联。不过，线上交流对一些友情是有益的。调查表明，如果仅仅在社交网络上祝福生日，或者在朋友圈里默默点赞，对于友情的存活并没有太大帮助，因为这只是机械的刻意维持。相比较之下，一些支持性的评论、深度的沟通，会更有助于维护一段友情。研究表明，在挽救即将磨灭的友情时，社交网络往往也能发挥奇效。

The second takeaway was actually borrowed from existing research on romantic relationships. The psychologist John Gottman came up with the concept of “bids” in the 1990s. “Bids” are small requests for connection—anything from a smile, to attempting to start a conversation, to inviting your partner on a trip with your family. As Emily Esfahani Smith previously reported in The Atlantic, the more partners respond to each other’s bids by “turning toward” them—engaging and offering the requested connection—the stronger their relationship. The more they “turned away” from the bids, the more likely they were to get divorced, Gottman found.

第二个 观点 实际上是借鉴了目前基于恋爱关系的研究。20世纪90年代，心理学家约翰·高特曼提出了 “投标”这个概念。所谓“投标”，就是向伴侣提出一些小要求，来增加你们之间的关联，比如一个微笑，一次交谈，以及邀请对方和你的家人一起出去旅行。正如艾米丽·埃斯凡尼·史密斯此前在《大西洋月刊》发表的文章所写的，一方对 “投标”回应得越多，越乐在其中，双方的关系就会越紧密。戈特曼发现，一方要是频繁拒绝“投标”，那么他们离婚的可能性就很高。

takeaway [ˈteɪkəweɪ] n. Any new piece of information gleaned from a lecture, interview, or other media presentation,etc. that can be of exponential value when acted upon or put to use.

译注：艾米丽·埃斯凡尼·史密斯此前在《大西洋月刊》上的撰文 Masters of Love ： Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindnessand generosity.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

In the interviews Kitestring did, Hubbard found that bids also deepened friendships, and could set off “a cycle of increasing vulnerability and trust.”

“风筝线”项目组织了多次访谈，在访谈中哈伯德发现“投标”理论同样有助于深化友情，它能开启朋友间互动的良性循环，在友情中只要不断袒露内心柔软的部分，双方之间的信任感 就会 慢慢增强。

译注：在上世纪50年代，社会心理学家Rebecca G. Adams根据一系列研究结果提出，开启一段友情需要3个条件：一是接近性，指物理上的接近；二是反复的、无计划性的互动，你们要有经常接触的机会；三是能够鼓励人们放下防备、对彼此吐露真心的环境。1950年，社会心理学家Festinger做了一系列相关研究。他认为，无论是在人生的哪个阶段，大量的“非主动接触”（passive contacts）都是一段友情得以开始的关键。它指的是，一些人自然地反复在你身边出现，同学、同事、邻居等。

Kelci Harris, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto who studies friendship, says that bids seem “probably equally viable for friendship” as they do for romance and marriage. She thinks that’s a promising avenue for research—taking concepts from romantic relationships and seeing if they work for friendship as well.

多伦多大学研究友情的博士后研究员克里斯·哈里斯说道，“投标”这一概念不仅适用于爱情和婚姻，同样适用于友情。她认为，将爱情关系中的相关概念运用到友情的研究中，看看是否同样适用，这是一种很有效的研究 方法 。

But as far as getting that cycle going, “it does take some push from someone,” she says. “I think a lot of people, myself included, can sometimes get stuck. Like ‘They haven’t called me, so I’m not going to call them.’ If you want to talk to your friend just call them. You don’t have to play chicken about who’s going to take the first step.”

但是她说：“在友情的‘白银时代’（神话传说中在最幸福的黄金时代过后，情况稍差的时代），确实需要一方更主动一些。我认为包括我自己在内的很多人都会有这样的想法，你没有给我打电话，那我也不给你打电话。但如果你想和朋友聊天，就打给他们。要是你真的在乎这段友谊，其实谁先主动并不重要。”

Play chicken to play a game in which people do sth dangerous for as long as they can to show how brave they are. The person who stops first has lost the game. 比试胆量

Rawlins, however, doesn’t care for the bid concept. “I don’t think of friendships in economic terms,” he says. “I don’t think about ‘investing’ in friends. I see friendship as an ongoing conversation. A way of literally coauthoring the story of our relationship.”

但罗林斯并不赞同“投标”这一概念。他说，“我认为不适合用经济学上的术语来形容友情，不是在朋友身上投资，我认为友情更像是一次正在进行的交谈，由双方 共同谱写 独属他们的故事。”

Another metaphor Rawlins doesn’t like is Kitestring’s third takeaway—the idea of putting friendships in “containers,” where friendships are easier to maintain if you create some kind of regular practice in which to hold them—a weekly dinner, or a monthly book club.

“风筝线”项目的第三个要点是“容器”理论，即把友情放在固定的“容器”里，会更容易维持。这个容器，指的就是固定的常规活动。比如说，每周一次聚会晚餐，每个月一次的读书会。但这个比喻罗林斯也不赞同。

“I think friendships are more dynamic than to be placed in a container,” Rawlins says. “But I like the notion of rituals .”

罗林斯说：“我认为不应该把友情放在‘容器’里，友情是不断变化的。但我认同友情需要有 仪式感 。 ”

One interesting way Hubbard uses the container metaphor is this concept of “repotting” friendships to make them closer, as you might repot a succulent that has outgrown its terra-cotta cup. “Sometimes you’ve got a friend at work, and you see them every day, but the pot that plant is in at work is quite small,” Hubbard says. “It’s going to reach the size of the pot, and that’s it. If you want it to be a bigger, deeper friendship, you need to repot it to a bigger context. You might need to bring them to your house. Or invite them to meet your family—that’s an even bigger pot.”

“容器”概念中还有一个更有趣的说法——移植理论。移植你的友情，使其更加亲密。就像一株 多肉植物 ，当它长得太大的时候，你会把它换到一个更大的花盆里。哈伯德说：“有时，你在工作中交了一个朋友，你每天都能见到对方，但你们见面的唯一场所就是办公室，也就是说友情的花盆太小了，会限制你们关系的发展，如果你想深入发展这段友谊或者深化这段友谊的话，你就得把你们的友谊换到一个更大的容器里。比如说，邀请对方来你家里做客，让他更多地参与到你的生活中，你们的关系自然会更加亲密。

Regardless of the chosen metaphor, Rawlins has some similar advice. He recommends “taking the risk to express to someone that you’d like to do something with them outside of situations where you’re required to spend time together.”

罗林斯也有类似于“容器”理论的建议。他认为除了日常相处，朋友间应该有一方勇敢地邀请对方一起做一些不一样的事情。

Obviously you have to build up to it; it probably wouldn’t be advisable to try to start a strict weekly dinner date with a brand-new friend. Hubbard uses the terms “intention” and “air”—“intention” being earnest efforts to connect with someone, and “air” being the breathing room you give the relationship. “If you have a lot of trust in a relationship, it can bear more intention, and if you don’t have as much trust, you need more air,” he says.

当然，友情需要一步步经营，但对于新朋友，最好不要约定每周都要一起吃一顿晚饭。哈伯德提出了两个词“意向”和“空间”。所谓“意向”就是你可以展现出强烈的想要和对方多交往的意向；“空间”则表明要给彼此一定的空间。他说：“如果你足够相信你们之间的友情，你大可以表露更多的交往意向，但如果你缺乏信心，那就要给彼此留下更多喘息的空间。”

A lot of things about modern life make it easy for the air in a friendship to overtake the intention. “I think the times we live in are really an obstruction to friendship, and it needs to be said out loud,” Rawlins says. “We are living in very very divisive times where the tenor of discourse in public places sets the tone for conversation and it works its way down very quickly to dyadic relationships.”

在现代生活中，有很多事情会导致人们在一段友情中很少展现出希望和对方多交往的意向，而是选择给彼此保留更多的空间。罗林斯说：“我认为在我们所处的这个时代，友情难以维系，往往需要有人站出来，呼吁友情的 重要性 。在这个分裂的时代， 任何公共言论 都会影响日常交流，这种影响甚至会迅速蔓延至 二元 人际关系中。”

The tenor of the general meaning of something written or spoken, or the general attitude expressed in it〔文章或讲话的〕大意，要旨。 例：the general tenor of her speech她演讲的要旨

He also expressed concern about the “ proliferating technological illusion of connection.”

同时，高速发展的科技会给人际关系 营造 一种假象，罗林斯对此表示担忧。

“We live in a very sped-up time where people are getting messages to multitask, to be doing several things at once, to in many ways not actually be where they are,” he says.

他说：“在这个快节奏时代，人们习惯于在同一时间执行多个任务，但时常又容易心猿意马。”

Harris disagrees, noting that social media can allow for a “constant chain of communication, wherever you are in the world,” with your closest friends. They both have a point: Technology can make friendships shallower, but it can also make them stronger, depending on how ... intentionally ... you use it.

但哈里斯认为，不论身处何地，人们都能通过社交媒体和密友保持联系。他和罗林斯都认为，泛泛之交还是亲密好友，这不是科技能左右的，主要在于你打算如何使用科技。

I honestly lost track of the number of times I heard the word “intentionality” while reporting this piece. All it really means, Harris says, is putting effort into a relationship. And the fact of that effort is probably more important than the exact form it takes.

老实说，在写这篇文章前，我已经很久没听过“意向性”这个词了。哈里斯说：“这个词真正的含义指的是努力去经营一段关系。” 而努力经营这个行为本身可能比具体采取什么方式重要得多。

In a study that Harris did, the quality of the time friends spent together—specifically their self-reported depth of conversation, and the amount of self-disclosure—was linked to higher friendship satisfaction.

哈里斯负责的一项研究表明，如果朋友之间能进行关于自我表达的深层次对话或是自我暴露，那么这就是一段高质量的相处时间，他们对于对友情的满意度会随之提高。

译注：当两个人由于接近性和大量的互动而开始熟识后，他们还算不上是“朋友”，而只是“熟人”。从熟人关系（acquaintanceship）走向友谊的关键，是自我暴露。“从熟人变成朋友的一个典型特征，就是自我暴露的广度和深度的增加。”加拿大温尼伯大学的Beverley Fehr表示。这个过程往往是这样的：当你们保持经常的见面后，有一方会先冒着暴露个人信息的危险，去“测试”对方是否会有相应的回应。如果双方都愿意进行自我暴露，就像是一把打开友情的钥匙。在青春期时，朋友间的自我暴露是非常迅速和猛烈的，但在成年人的世界里，如果想要交到真正的朋友，自我暴露不是越快越好，深度和速度都需要适度。纽约州立大学石溪分校心理学教授Arthur Aron实验了如何能在45分钟的时间内使人们达到“人际上的亲密”。他发现，发展出友情的关键是“循序渐进地暴露私人信息”——即便是在短短45分钟的时间里也是如此。“分享需要适度，过度分享会被认为是片面的、压倒性的、不恰当的社交。”那么，如何辨别出自己的分享是过度的呢？Arthur Aron说，观察对方的反应是一个好方法，如果你发现对方有些紧张、不安，或者不知道如何接话，就说明你可能在进行过度的自我暴露。

And you have to be realistic about your friends’ other responsibilities. Sometimes life is so busy that people may not be able to keep friendship from falling to the bottom of their priority list, much as they may desire otherwise.

不过，你必须要理解，朋友在他的生活中还要扮演其他的角色。有时忙于奔波，人们会不得以地敷衍了朋友。

译注：来自 Langan 的“友谊定律”的一个发现，成年人认为礼貌在友情中是不可或缺的。她说，我们并不会觉得成年之后要从朋友身上索取更多。因为这不公平，他们有自己的事情要做。所以我们停止了期待，这对我来说是一件伤心事，然后我们从期待中走开。为了保持礼貌。但是，那些让友情变得脆弱的东西却同样让友谊变得灵活。“这或许就是友谊延续的方式，因为人们都是基于彼此的期望而活着。我们都可以切实地感受到，我们在放宽对彼此的期望，甚至说抛开了期望。” Rawlins 说。

“Part of the genius of friendship is that people respect and encourage each other to make their life the best it can be,” Rawlins says. “How do you do that in a way that respects the contingencies of each other’s lives while also trying to build in, if not a regular practice, the expectation that we’re going to see each other? It can be a challenging needle to thread.”

罗林斯说：“友谊的真谛一部分在于它让人们彼此尊重，互相鼓励，生活也因此变得无比美好。生活存在诸多 变数 ，如何在明白这一点后仍心怀期待，盼望时不时与朋友聚一聚？这的确是一个有待解决的难题。”

con∙tin∙gency /kənˈtɪndʒənsi/ n. an event that may or may not happen可能发生的事；偶发（或不测、意外）事件 SYN. POSSIBILITY

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